uncontrollable feelings

as we start a new week i want to share with you very personal feelings.

my thoughts are everywhere, the feelings of anxiety, forgetting things, can’t keep one thought in my head and i feel as though i have been hit by a big wave of something that i cannot understand.

i have read all there is to read on this whole process ( recent surgery – symptoms ) and even though they say my feelings, physical and mental are normal, i feel frustrated as i cannot accept the idea of not being in control of my own well-being. it actually scares the crap out of me and i mostly feel trapped. i don’t know how many other women are feeling or have felt this way, but i truly believe we should start a club.

funny thing is someone said to me yesterday they now know why marriages end in divorce even after being married for over 25 years. the uncontrollable feelings, despair, weakness, loss of energy and the tiredness. i was someone who could juggle ten things at once and now after a few hours, i need a nap. it is basically PMS 24/7! you wake up good and then POOF! here goes that inability to function.

 

this is where i am.

i am fearful as well, as i am supposed to return to work but my professional life may have to take a hold for a little while longer. i would never want to do something that would endanger anyone. i guess it is time i realized that this is bigger than me and i can’t control everything. i am just going to have to listen to my body and shut the front door!

upfront and personal

ya know what bites my ass? people who lie, cheat, say things that make no sense in order to make themselves feel better.

i hate fake people – why can’t we all just be who we are and say what we want?

i’ll tell you why, agenda! people have an agenda and for whatever reason they need to fulfil their private to do list on what will today bring, how can i piss someone off and feel good about what i did just so i can be epic.

really?

i am, to say the least, very bold, upfront tell like it is kinda woman and although i am respectful in such aspects of my life, i don’t believe being “un – natural” should be an agenda. yes folks, there are people out there that enrage me.

welcome to my world and for the most part i cannot do anything about it but i can say this:

“I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE FOR ANYONE”people

so for those of you who think for one minute anyone has the right to change the way you are, say, do, talk, opinion, think again.

 

if i teach anything hear is unconditional – read it again – UNCONDITIONAL.

what is on the agenda

most of us can fulfil their days with absolutely nothing to do. others need to “pre-plan” everything in order to keep focus. i think humans in general go about their daily business as it is in their own personal life. whether work, play, duty, our days must consist of something to feel something.

i am no different – i wake up with a list of things to do beside my keyboard and for the most part i make that list happen. i guess it is a way of keeping my thoughts all organised or simply filling the gaps. honestly it’s a way of making sure i fill complete.

what i have noticed lately with all this laying around doing nothing is i feel useless, like because i am unable to do to much at once, i am less of a human being. sounds silly but the truth is i feel less important when sitting around. it isn’t about the world, it is about my need to feel accomplished. i can’t stand doing nothing! of course because i am physically limited these (because of surgery) when i do things, an hour later i am sleeping in my lawn chair.

now there is relaxation!

we all have our own agenda, how we make it happen is unique. what we need to remember is this: why?

the ocean and the singing

i have been following a course on ‘Life’s Golden Ticket” | a story about second chances

Brendon Burchard – #1 New York Times Bestselling Author wrote this book and gives an astounding reality about life. he talks about the 4 gates, the first being awareness! in order to make changes in your life and live fully, you must be aware or all aspects of our lives. work, relationships and our habits.

some of the questions he asks in the course are the following:

if i were going to improve my thoughts on an ongoing basis, i would have to start…

what matters to me right now…

what habits would improve my life right now…

i just finished the second gate, acceptance! since i had mastered the art of loving unconditionally, i knew this gate would be the hardest only because some of the questions here are as follows:

if i’m honest i could say that i’m not fully expressing my true thoughts, feelings and ambitions in the following situations or relationships…

AND BAM! as i sat here listening to some old favourite songs of mine, it occurred, the reality of my awareness and life’s ambition. it is funny how a word can suddenly make you realize what your real dream is all about. a friend once told me years ago i should share and show the world what i can do and it seemed so impossible at the time. for years i knew i had this talent but never really fully embraced it. i guess reality if i knew in order to make it big would take much needed money and time that i didn’t have, so i settled for the normal life of working hard and saving for a rainy day as they say.

so here it is, i am about to share my life’s true dream and reality.

i have a voice, some say the voice of an angel i’ve heard said. i can sing pretty much any song that comes to mind, i can adapt my voice to any music and have always been a natural. admitting that seems a bit conceited but i have never really admitted that to myself. well today i am.

the dream is this, to sing in front of audiences, for them to enjoy or even bring back memories of times when life was simple, free and happy. the rush i get when i turn up the music and sing along is absolutely thrilling to say the least and if for some reason i can’t hit a note, i keep at it until i can. i believe i could sing not for the money but to raise awareness in people. that no matter what dream you have you can achieve it!

i have noticed too not only am i at peace when i sing but it is as if i don’t care who’s listening on the street. the echo through the window must surely hit a few blocks and i really don’t care. i am only in my zone in two places: the ocean and the singing.

so i ask you, have you ever really thought about the real ambition  you have always wanted and are you fulfilling it? if not what are we waiting for?

you just decide

i see far to many people fail at this thing called life, broken dreams, what ifs, lost ambition, sacrifice | where does it all go?

i truly believe whom ever you are, popular or not, you have to make the decision to do what is right for you and what fits your lifestyle needs. there is no wrong or right answer to life’s questions because everyone is different. even values and morals have their perspective place however live deep within each individual. i am by far no core shaker but i can probably say i have influenced or inspired a few readers in my blog days.

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what started out as a self love devotion to better my well being has become something i cherish every day and even if it doesn’t make sense or the words are not in proper order, i know for a fact the message is being sent.

that is all we can do | send the message

i also believe everyone has something to give to this big world today. i observe people in their most personal moments even when they do not know it and i learn from everyone i meet. i read, i watch, i speak and from that i learn. i deeper than most and can find a way to visualize life’s greatest moments. what is to come, what will be and how it will happen who knows. all i know for today is that my words either make a difference or they don’t.

i do what i want when i want and how. so ask yourself: are you?

the importance of friendships

i have come realize and i’ve known for a long time that people come and go in your life. what irritates me are the ones that seem to care and really don’t. ever feel that way?

i am sure most of you do; the hard part is realizing how important these people are before you get hurt by them. it isn’t all bad, there are some whom you never thought would be there in times of need and poof! it’s like rolling the red carpet. i have always kept myself at a distance of close relationships because i know exactly what happens when i get close to them. they either lie to me or make me feel as though i am just a carpet. as i grew older, i have manage to keep my sanity by shrugging off the ones whom pretend to be my friend only because the trust isn’t there.

Innermost essence ~ Deepak Chopra: it’s a wall and it is easier. i choose people in my life wisely – i remember at one time i used to have better friends online in the big ‘www’ than in real time.

as my week progresses this week, i also realized something else about myself. i am not super woman! trying to do the things i want seemed so difficult and i have no patience to wait for help. but i soon learned that strength comes in many forms and mine this week is about inner strength. learning to just BE! relaxing, healing and keeping positive thoughts so i can be better soon.

such a hard thing for me to do, sitting around, not moving…and in my brain asking for help is forbidden.

what i will do is breathe and reboot! once i am well again, i will come back stronger.