.losing my reality

finding beauty in everything you do can sometimes be very difficult. whenever i felt stressed or just basically fed up with life, i would find a moment in time i was really relaxed and recreate it. there are ways to develop ‘me’ time. but i do know this can be difficult for some.

there is no way in hell you can always believe that …

i was having an epic moment of reality. lately, nothing comes to mind when writing doesn’t seem to help my inner peace. regret, solitude, these are three words i find very familiar but give me no pleasure any longer. have you ever gotten to the point when you feel as though nothing is within your reach? everything you do or say seems wrong and all but the candle on my desk seems gloomy.

i always wonder if there are people out there who are happy all the time, that have exactly what they want in life and how the fuck they got there or were just born that way. i see all kinds of people and i see them smiling behind their demons and ghosts. i ask myself why fake it? or believe in things that aren’t really there.

i do realize this all sounds awful but this is a reality blog. most people don’t realize the life they live affect others, some don’t even realize how envious others are of them and if for only one moment they would stop and think about that, how different their outlook would be. i think about how i would start my life over, things i would do differently, people i would not associate with and how i would have listened to my own voice instead of others. i know today i would be in a better place for sure. but as we all know i have made my choices, i am where i am and i can’t change it.

we only have the now and nothing in the future can define this present moment.

.amend your closet space

yesterday i spoke of compartmentalization, the art of putting everything in its own place and we often can’t do this. this is why most of the time our lives become unmanageable. we stress about everything and it just seems all that happens, will in fact happen all at once.

we then find ways to distract ourselves from the true reality of our lives but never accomplish anything. i think prioritizing comes into play as have to look at the value of every issue that we face and see what is most important. i write about all this well being and feeling better ourselves every day when in fact i am the biggest procrastinator about the subject. i try and fix everyone else and never really look at how i am going to make myself really happy.

i think it is because i feel a responsibility to those around me and when i do think about me and no one else, i begin to feel very guilty. for years, this has been my constant companion and i have often told myself i would stop doing this. now, midlife has taken it’s toll on me and i am becoming very tired of it all.

#epici am supposed to be a leader, shinning all this ability to fix things and for some reason just when i think i have it all figured out, more shit follows.

a curse, maybe but i am feeling as though i am going to collapse and then there will be no energy for anything else in my life. i also have become so negative in everything i do only because i see no good anything around me.

here i go again. i remember this feeling years ago when it all seemed dark and grey. i have tried so hard to make my life happy but when i do, something or someone comes around and destroys it.

so really can you blame me for not being as positive as i could be?

i hope all is understood.

.when did life become so hard

honesty:

we all know in order to succeed, you have to work hard at everything. you get absolutely nowhere by sitting around or letting others do things for you. some people were born with a ‘silver spoon’ and for all it’s worth, they never have to lift a finger. all comes to them and they never really learn to appreciate the value of living.

reality:

the other side of this is people are just lazy and wish to do nothing. they pride themselves on using the system to help them instead of helping themselves. they feel that society owes them life and we, the others, have to serve them at all cost. the bullshit behind this is some of us have to suck it up and go it only because we are paid too.

.anal people and words

my epic shit this morning finds me thinking about how judgmental people can be and what i should do about it. there is enough stress in the world without worrying that someone is talking behind your back however the fact remains, in life people have nothing better to do then say shit.

i guess the deeper issues are what lies behind this horrible situation, when people have their own personality conflict, they tend to find ways to hurt others by saying the most stupid crap. notice how i am using the word “shit” and “crap” – there’s a reason.

i don’t like gossip but when it comes to me, i like knowing everything and anything. i am concerned with some of the statements being said because it not only damages ones’ feelings but can really create a very bad review in light of everything. i believe as well intelligence plays a big role in this because smart people would not waste their time gossiping about others.

another thing is people minding their own business. why can’t people just stay out of others personal lives. they make it so apparent to cause complete chaos, talking shit like they know everything and for whatever reason feel it is their delight to get involved. i mean really, why can’t they just go about their business and leave it alone.

you could say i am on a rampage this morning but drastic emotions are all over the place because i am fed up with this society. ignorant people also drive me nuts. when was the last time you can remember when someone was nice to you? or said something positive? i can’t really.

therefore, my moral this morning is this: stay out of others business, deal with your own shit and stop talking shit you don’t know anything about.

.what to do when you have no hope in hell

when people suffer, whether it’s a loss, at times it can feel as though there is no hope. i really truly believe in some way this is true. if you are in your moment then feelings of despair is inevitable. this process is one of the hardest things.

we are creators of our own sorrow, never understanding why shit happens and then we judge ourselves for our failures. i am one of those people and the fact that i can’t let go of my past mistakes and defects, i suffer this horrible self destructive attitude within.

in the recent days, i was reminded over and over again how foolish i was in my past and even this morning i am sitting here writing this post thinking why. the idea must be put away, i must move forward and yet in my busy little mind, i cannot. wanting things and realizing them makes me wonder, the sacrifice, the details of my hard work and then my body telling me to slow down. i was very sick this morning and i know it is a result of built up stress. other than the migraine, tension is building up in my neck and shoulders and that is when i know i need a time out from my brain.

if only i could do this much good for myself as i do for others. i am constantly reminded how i can run a business, organize anything you put in front of me, master the art of fixing and yet when it boils down to my own desires and self awareness, the road becomes a 4 way stop.

my next step in my life is about to be realized and i think at this point i will have to really get my shit together and find self awareness and work on letting go.

.how hard is it to do nothing

a while back, i decided that sunday was the art of doing nothing. some however find it an opportunity to catch up on things they did not get done during the week because of work. i believe it is like dishes, all that stuff will still be there tomorrow.

years back, sunday was considered a day of rest. i do not know what happened to society but for some reason we have loss the value of sunday and find ourselves being busier than during the week. i am, some day, addicted to my phone and computer and on sunday, i leave it inside the house when i am outside.

as i layed in my pool yesterday, basking in the sun, enjoy the wonderful calmness, i could hear my phone go off every 5 minutes. why do people not understand? me time, is me time. shut it off ffs!

it is so important to take time to relax, fixate on something other than the regular life we live and do nothing. our bodies are meant to go go go all the time and we must take at least one day to do this. there is plenty of time to finish the responsibilities, housework, whatever any other day but sunday.