ok so life can truly bring you in different directions and when facing times of doubt, we often seek out true and responsive actions. we scatter our brains to find answers to everything and anything just to discover, there is no answer to the questions.
i used to be filled with so much love in my heart and times have changed my outlook on life. as you grow older you see life for what it really is and you begin to focus on the necessity instead of the reality. this comes from a moment i had about a week ago when someone asked me why i don’t seem happy.
truth be told, i am not complete happy i am just here. i have become so hard that even after a few drinks in my i can’t bring myself to find a little happiness. i went to my nieces wedding this weekend, i was so in ‘awe’ at her beauty and how lucky she was to have all this magic around her on her special day. although i still don’t agree with her marriage, not for me to decide what is best for her, it really was all magical. surrounded by her family and friends, the room was lite up and you could feel the love all around. the problem was i so wished i could feel that in my heart and once again find my inner peace.
jealous? not at all, i do envy those around me who have that kind of love as i remember faintly what it was like once or maybe not at all. i used to think i had that but when i think about it, i believe it was a mere reflection of what i wanted. as my teacher once said to me: ” there is still one corner of my life yet unfulfilled”.
i wish my niece the best of luck in her marriage as i know how important it was for her to have me there. she is a beautiful woman and i want nothing but the best for her.
we define our lives by which we see and feel about things. we also feel frustrated when things are not as they seem. i live my life according to experiences, things i learn, things i see and hear. people are a great source of energy but also suck the life out of you.
so how do you know when you have had enough?
i guess the ultimate way is knowing in your heart something is seriously wrong and until you fix it, you will never live a fulfilled life you intended. a long the way, some people get lose their ambitions because they experience negative ideas day in and day out. they feel as though nothing can be accomplished because they have no means or other times it is just as natural as eating a meal.
the hard part is when it stops you from doing the very thing you really love doing and later see that you are a victim of your own negativity. i always said i should have been an artist or actress because i can show you a side of me and you think i am the ultimate power woman. on other days i can simply fill these pages with the worse of the worse feelings i have.
in the end i think we have to alter our lives according to whatever feels natural and possible. never underestimate yourself but do not boldly go where no man has gone before. you may find yourself being floated.
when you set out goals, is it merely to inspire others? i used to believe that i could inspire anyone to see my way of things. this is very selfish and that is why over the years i have learned to accept everyone for who they are and what they believe in.
there are times however when it is in their best interest to see the light of day. it is very hard to convince someone about an action they have taken or a thought when they are mind set. i can tell you however, if you open a door in another direction, they might just see this light of yours.
i pride myself on keep the peace because this world is so full of chaos and wanting to keep it simple is only a way of living your life in the moment. we worry to much about the small stuff and not enough about the good stuff. we consume ourselves with hate and violence, foul words of destruction and even worse succumb to additions. this is not reality!
to keep ourselves sane, we either have to face the fact that time is of value and we much embrace it with every moment or we will lose site of the good things. the goal is to fulfill your life with what is fair and feasible.
in the end, sometimes we do things we do not like but i can say that there is always a way to satisfy your own well being. never underestimate the power of humanity and it will give back to you when you least expect it.
the epic reality of where to go from here |
as a writer, you must keep your readers interested. as a leader, it is much harder to keep people on the same page. you will always find some who are opposed to anything you say or do.
as frustrating as this is, i always find value in all that people say or do. there is always a lesson to be learned and in hopes to turn a negative into a positive. i have encountered many people who disagree with my ideas and thoughts and i have learned that those are my ideas and feelings. acceptance is the key to self worth and knowing you feel good about yourself when you accomplish something is all that matters.
during my vacation, i learned that i definitely hate being among a group of people. large groups freak me out; i have yet to really understand the meaning behind it but i am closely working that out. i truly feel that the main reason is there will always will be one person left out of the conversation.call me whatever but it is true. i have seen it happen. the reality is even though everyone can bring something good into a conversation, you will always find that one person sitting or standing there saying nothing because all the others are so intrigued in their own personal agenda.
i suppose for years i have disliked parties not only because of this reason but i really do like the tranquility of “table for one.” don’t get me wrong, i enjoy the company of others very much, talking and chatting about things but it really has to be either another person or 2 at most.
i do not have to please anyone or show myself up for the sake of making others happy but only to remember that my sanity is at best the most important.
the impossible trying to make everyone happy is totally ridiculous. everyone has their own agenda and we cannot find a happy medium however you look at it. people are different and unique in their own way. i know the only way to really and completely live through this is to decide what is in your best interest and hope that people will understand. if they do not it is because they can’t love unconditionally enough to accept you.
you have to certain that not everyone will do this and as difficult as it may seem, sometimes you just have live the experience.
i personally have a difficult time with large groups, i try and avoid them at all cost because i know how it makes me feel. does this mean i miss out of fun or entertainment or some life changing experience?
i do what i can to make my environment comfortable and good for me. it isn’t selfish it is a choice. there are times when, like in this present moment, surrounded by family you must go with the flow. at the end of the day all that matters is that you can find your inner peace.
today starts day 4 of my epic mexican vacation and one way i can sooth my soul is by the beach. when i feel as though my mind is chaotic and restless this is where i find my center. i am hoping by the end of this week, i will find the answers i am looking for to better my life.
my search for peace of mind is a very difficult journey.
everyone has their own agenda, way of thinking, way of feeling, way of seeing things. perception rules in any event and for some this may come in a negative way.
i have spent my life living for others, dealing with everything as though my audience was the most important factor. unfortunately, i have taken this so far and have lost my sense of well being. the reality is awareness can play the biggest role on how you continue to live your life. “if you know better you can do better” as Oprah says.
in a few days i will be in my most peaceful place in the world and i can’t wait to just let it all go and refresh my moments. i will finish my book and enjoy the company of two of the most epic people who inspire me to do better. i am a very lucky person to have such people whom believe in people. PERIOD! they have taken communication to the next level and as i learn from them, i find myself being transformed every day, hearing and appreciating their words of wisdom.
there is one factor i am facing at this moment in my life and that is self confidence. i lack the ability to believe in myself and most people would not believe this as i am a good actress in the making. i stand tall every day, shout from the bottom of my toes and never let the guard show my true colors. however, yesterday, i was at a loss and was faced with a tragic event. piers are one of the most valued people in this world and they can certainly ‘show the light’ as The Contagiously Positive Girl says.
but for me, there has never been any light and that tunnel is getting bigger by the minute. i feel it is in my best interests to get away from all these negative attacks before my life becomes more unmanageable. life is hard enough without having most pressure in the making. i feel my epic reality will forced!