why do i allow this shit to happen

sometimes, we believe in something or someone so much that we avoid the inevitable. the truth about people can certainly be revealed if only you take a moment and evaluate all your actions.

feeling as though my heart has finally taken a beating | i don’t believe i have felt this way since my other crash of 2008 | it has been hard to even breath at times. keeping my moral up while working, trying to realize the situation was bound to happen but the fact remains i have been made a fool of yet again.

thinking the men in my life have been based on a fantasy i think, thinking they will adapt to my needs and wants when in fact they have no idea what those are. i have always pleased them, did things even though it was uncomfortable for me and made every situation work as best as i can. if i look beyond all this superficial crap, i realize they had done nothing to do the same for me. it is as though the relationship was one sided and i had to live with the delusion that maybe someday they would change in theory.

what hurts the most is i also realized, any man who cares about a woman makes the effort to be with her, nurture, understand, compromise and how her that her feelings matter. in my last relationship nothing about me mattered. i was last on that ‘to do list’ | whether it was communicating or planning our days together.

my question today now and i am going search for is why are the wrong men showing up in my life when what i need and want are so visible and communicated effectively? the other question is this | why do i allow this shit to happen over and over again when i know deep down i would never have want i needed out of them?