.when something isn’t working

i find myself very cautious these days with everything i do and everyone i meet. i feel as i have wasted so much time on people that i no longer want to invest in friendships or otherwise | even relationships

it was funny i watched a movie last night and the main character was so much like me, i think they built the movie around my life | in the present time | except for the part where she met a good man and lived happily ever after | we all know in real life that doesn’t happen. but this character was looking for happiness and because she had been so busy with her career and making sure everyone else around her was happy, she forgot about herself.

so when it comes down to it and you have to really ask yourself: ‘what makes me happy’, it can be the hardest thing you will ever do.

finding happiness within has never been my forté | i used to get fulfilled with making others happy and when i stopped that, i felt very lost. trying to be positive is another concept that is hard lately, even after all this time, i still can’t find anything good in my life.

i long time friend contacted me on the weekend, wanted to get together but i said NO. i couldn’t bring myself to believe that living in a few hours of harmony and happiness would be enough for me. i want happy all the time just like i want a commitment. to me, going out is like a waste of time unless there is a goal behind it.

i guess i also realize people do not understand how i feel because they think i should be out enjoying my life, doing things and finding social contacts. the fear has set in i feel that every time i try something good, something bad follows.

so now what? as i told my friend | life is life | you work, pay your bills, get some rest and do only the things that really matters or is necessary for survival.