how can you be who you want to be if you can’t tell the truth or trust the one’s around you?
living in fear of judgement and constant restraints can be one of the most difficult ways of living. we often hide the real shadow of who we actually are because we are conditioned too. far too often, hiding the true nature can destroy our very existence and may to say the very least hurt our life.
but when your world is constantly dictating your way of behaving, you trust nothing.
my personal experience with this has shown me to keep certain individuals an arm length away only because i fear their motives. i personal have never ever trusted anyone – well maybe when i was younger – it has taught me nothing less than desperation, fear, loss of self respect and pain. you open your heart, hoping to feel happy and complete and then boom, you are left with a bigger hole than you had before.
over the years i have learned how to not let this happen by becoming numb to the outside world and living in such a way that suits my desires. i also know, certain people do not understand this, they question everything i say and do and are forever trying to loop me in the circle of their lives. i am also smart enough to know right from wrong and when something doesn’t feel quite right, i do not attempt it.
it’s funny because when i was younger, i would do just about anything and everything. i feel that was a search for attention, losing site of what was real and acceptable.
my frustration lately is that i am now back questioning the truth. why am i fighting this constant battle of not being who i truly am? saying what i feel? making it known that certain things are unacceptable to me and people should just accept me and not judge?
because i know the outcome, i know exactly what and who will give me their own perspective on behaviour and to me that is just a waste of time and precious life’s moments.
still, i think it’s time to real.