Trial and Error

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ever get this feeling that people will do anything to accomplish a need? that’s me. go, go until I get what is necessary but I have noticed lately, when I try something new, it is blocked by some evil negativity, as if I am wasting my time.

today is another one of those examples; I get very restless and when I can’t create, I feel less important, less willing to make things beautiful. I have also noticed hope has totally left the building and my ability to say “I know it will happen” has disappeared. I no longer wait for the happy moments to come but rather say, well it’s just another day.


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sad to go through life this way but the reality is setting in more and more as if all my efforts have been destroyed and I no longer feel light at the end of the tunnel. I just exist in order to survive. very sad and depressing as this sounds but I have been let down so much in the last few years, I have learned to stay narrow.


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a dream came to me last night that really hit home; it was an insane setting of authority, leadership and a mix of crazy. I was at a meeting of the minds, knew no one in my dreams and I can’t for the life of me understand why I would have such a dream. it is so vivid, even as I type; the familiar thing was i questioned everything in this meeting. nothing unfamiliar there but it was the place that i was most unfamiliar with. another part of the dream was my child; he was young, and we lived in an unfamiliar apartment. i was all over the place last night and it brings me back to the reality. difference places can’t change the person you are just the environment changes.

as i continue to search for a better and epic design, the journey continues. unanswered questions, unavailable people and time and the meaning of my existence. we may not be defined by what we do but i gotta tell ya, i am sick of being nothing.

 

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