ever get this feeling that people will do anything to accomplish a need? that’s me. go, go until I get what is necessary but I have noticed lately, when I try something new, it is blocked by some evil negativity, as if I am wasting my time.
today is another one of those examples; I get very restless and when I can’t create, I feel less important, less willing to make things beautiful. I have also noticed hope has totally left the building and my ability to say “I know it will happen” has disappeared. I no longer wait for the happy moments to come but rather say, well it’s just another day.
sad to go through life this way but the reality is setting in more and more as if all my efforts have been destroyed and I no longer feel light at the end of the tunnel. I just exist in order to survive. very sad and depressing as this sounds but I have been let down so much in the last few years, I have learned to stay narrow.
a dream came to me last night that really hit home; it was an insane setting of authority, leadership and a mix of crazy. I was at a meeting of the minds, knew no one in my dreams and I can’t for the life of me understand why I would have such a dream. it is so vivid, even as I type; the familiar thing was i questioned everything in this meeting. nothing unfamiliar there but it was the place that i was most unfamiliar with. another part of the dream was my child; he was young, and we lived in an unfamiliar apartment. i was all over the place last night and it brings me back to the reality. difference places can’t change the person you are just the environment changes.
as i continue to search for a better and epic design, the journey continues. unanswered questions, unavailable people and time and the meaning of my existence. we may not be defined by what we do but i gotta tell ya, i am sick of being nothing.