Ever wake up in the morning and think: “what the hell just happened?” it is like a moment of reality and wonder, as if life has just passed by and yet another mystery unfolds.
I can imagine some things in life are very strange, as we know it, life is what it is but there are times we just assume, all has it’s place but then you ask yourself, “Did I create all this?”
I am in ‘awe’ this morning, as Christmas Day came and went, I feel as though life is changing to fast and I can’t keep up. Nothing is the same, nothing is familiar, plans are being altered and I don’t like it one bit. I feel as thought life is going backwards, instead of forward, facing repeated things I have encountered before, changes I have witnessed and experiences to similar to the past.
I know exactly what the problem is but to be able to say it outloud is another thing I cannot do. I feel as though everything around me is nothing as it seems, nothing I ever wanted and nothing satisfying enough to keep happy. it is almost as though I am surviving for the sake of others, making them happy, giving them all they need and want and yet nothing comes back.
They say by giving you received, well in my book, I wonder when that will happen; as it seems to have forgotten I am here. I never want to just exist, I never wanted to just get up, go to work, pay the bills and start all over every fucking day of my life and yet, here I am, doing the very thing I hate the most.
I really don’t know what’s happening but this life is really playing tricks on me or am I just delusional? I fear, the worse.