.the calm before the storm

finally the wave has passed and now most of us must return to the normal routine of work and structure. i was working on my project yesterday and it occurred to me how some people do not have the ability to write. this is a professional document i am working on, editing and for the life of me i can’t imagine why anyone would accept something so poorly written.

it’s a joke really.

i have another 10 pages or more to go and i can’t wait until it’s done. it has been haunting me, worried that i can’t pull this off or that my ideas on this well written paper will be ridiculed. i guess that is why so often i considered walking away from it all and leave it to people whom have no clue what they are doing.

on the other hand, the relief i would have felt might have been worth it.

as i would not have someone else take over the fine work i have created, i am still ambitious about this paper. i want the best to come out of this and i want to actually put on my new resume that i have created this project with pride. although most of it will be ripped apart, i know deep down, someone, somewhere will be proud.

that is what it’s all about. i want someone to validate my existence, i want people to say, she did something so great that it made a difference. growing up, i felt so neglected, as though nothing i wanted or was proud of mattered. i see now that my actions, always doing the outrageous, where to pursue the ability to impress people but really it was a form of intent. i had to find my own joy, my own will to be epic. the problem was i did not know how to thank myself, to be loved by myself. i always felt it didn’t matter and for the most part i knew it didn’t.

it is sad that we need validation in our lives but the reality is that we need to know if we are doing what is expected or showing the uniqueness of ourselves. some people like change, they like that someone can be out there showing the world new things.

as we only have 4 days left in 2017, i would ask that you look back on this year, find something you have done to be proud of or someone who has done something great to affect your life and tell themĀ  you appreciate them. it is important to do this in order to rest your own well being.