i sometimes wonder what really makes us who we are. we are molded into life by our up bringing, values, ideas, respect and as we get old some us fall off the wagon and make our choices. we forget what we were thought and decide to make our own interpretations of how our life would best suit us.
the problem lies within the need to make things better. i was reading a piece of a book how most people forget to live in the moment. some worry about their future, some find time to think about past regrets and it alters their today. why do we do this? because there are things in the past that make us who we are today.
should it ? NO.
i am guilty of this ambition, remember shit that happened in the past and for the life of my i can’t thinking how incredibly irresponsible i was in my younger years. had i taken a different path, how my life would be molded somewhat better. i guess maybe that is the reasoning i find myself in for the inner feelings of unhappiness for the most part. i have said it time and time again how letting go is not my strong suit but when will it be?
i know in my real world, people judge me all the time, they make their own impressions of my life and think they can fix it. but the real scenario here is my own choices and how i want to live my own life to my expectations. i am deeply considering my choices in the next few weeks and i believe it is going to be a shocker. i am feeling very tired and my body is giving me a good indication of that.
the willingness to be happy and wanting a better life is really within, which is a good thing. i feel as though i am inches away of making it happen and whatever reaction people have of me, well i am going to just say “FUCK THEM”.
ok so life can truly bring you in different directions and when facing times of doubt, we often seek out true and responsive actions. we scatter our brains to find answers to everything and anything just to discover, there is no answer to the questions.
i used to be filled with so much love in my heart and times have changed my outlook on life. as you grow older you see life for what it really is and you begin to focus on the necessity instead of the reality. this comes from a moment i had about a week ago when someone asked me why i don’t seem happy.
truth be told, i am not complete happy i am just here. i have become so hard that even after a few drinks in my i can’t bring myself to find a little happiness. i went to my nieces wedding this weekend, i was so in ‘awe’ at her beauty and how lucky she was to have all this magic around her on her special day. although i still don’t agree with her marriage, not for me to decide what is best for her, it really was all magical. surrounded by her family and friends, the room was lite up and you could feel the love all around. the problem was i so wished i could feel that in my heart and once again find my inner peace.
jealous? not at all, i do envy those around me who have that kind of love as i remember faintly what it was like once or maybe not at all. i used to think i had that but when i think about it, i believe it was a mere reflection of what i wanted. as my teacher once said to me: ” there is still one corner of my life yet unfulfilled”.
i wish my niece the best of luck in her marriage as i know how important it was for her to have me there. she is a beautiful woman and i want nothing but the best for her.
yesterday i spoke of compartmentalization, the art of putting everything in its own place and we often can’t do this. this is why most of the time our lives become unmanageable. we stress about everything and it just seems all that happens, will in fact happen all at once.
we then find ways to distract ourselves from the true reality of our lives but never accomplish anything. i think prioritizing comes into play as have to look at the value of every issue that we face and see what is most important. i write about all this well being and feeling better ourselves every day when in fact i am the biggest procrastinator about the subject. i try and fix everyone else and never really look at how i am going to make myself really happy.
i think it is because i feel a responsibility to those around me and when i do think about me and no one else, i begin to feel very guilty. for years, this has been my constant companion and i have often told myself i would stop doing this. now, midlife has taken it’s toll on me and i am becoming very tired of it all.
i am supposed to be a leader, shinning all this ability to fix things and for some reason just when i think i have it all figured out, more shit follows.
a curse, maybe but i am feeling as though i am going to collapse and then there will be no energy for anything else in my life. i also have become so negative in everything i do only because i see no good anything around me.
here i go again. i remember this feeling years ago when it all seemed dark and grey. i have tried so hard to make my life happy but when i do, something or someone comes around and destroys it.
so really can you blame me for not being as positive as i could be?
i hope all is understood.
time is so valuable and how often do we forget this until something tragic happens. self development has been my goal for decades and it is without a doubt, that i will be working at this for many years.
what i know today is this, if i don’t take time out for myself, i will collapse. many things have piled up and i am on the verge of just no longer giving a shit about anything and for that reason, i am taking a step back to realize what is important and what is not.
i had a massage the other and i today i sense more tension than ever because i am taking on so many different items. the reality is learning to compartmentalize these issues seemed so easy at one time and now i find very tiring. people count on me for everything, so it seems and i am wondering if it is just because they choose not to take on their own responsibility or because they actually have no idea how to proceed with different situations.
other people are just making my life a living hell and the reason it bothers me so much is that, i feel, they do not respect my authority on certain subject.
so what reality do i live in?
a chaotic, desperately seeking answers.
after much deliberation, i landed on a design for now that i consider effective. whether people like it or not is really irrelevant as it is pleasing to the eye and readable.
in the last 2 days, life and chaos have been my constant companion and i can honestly say i am not sure where the hell this epic life is taking me. the feelings of anxiety, abnormal thoughts and negative feelings run through my veins as though it was normal. i really feel as though everyone is against me and nothing i do is ever enough. my efforts at making things better, get thrown out the window as fast as the ideas pop in my head.
basically, i am at the point of giving up on pretty much everything except the normal lifestyle.
i am also remembering a time when simplifying my life was a main focus and for some reason i have swayed from this idea. my body is telling me to relax, giving me signs of pain and i wonder if this is serious enough to really take a step back and reinvent my decisions. we often forget that our bodies act as a reminder, we are doing to much. my other piss off moment today is that when i communicate something it is as though i am not heard. i think i am pretty clear on my feelings and thought but some people just don’t get it. they black and white or their own basic ambition and there is no changing this perspective.
so what at this point am i left with?
as we all know life does go on and we cannot change others but we have to complete our inner devotion and really concentrate on the well-being. the fight isn’t over and i am anxious to see the outcome of all this.
when people suffer, whether it’s a loss, at times it can feel as though there is no hope. i really truly believe in some way this is true. if you are in your moment then feelings of despair is inevitable. this process is one of the hardest things.
we are creators of our own sorrow, never understanding why shit happens and then we judge ourselves for our failures. i am one of those people and the fact that i can’t let go of my past mistakes and defects, i suffer this horrible self destructive attitude within.
in the recent days, i was reminded over and over again how foolish i was in my past and even this morning i am sitting here writing this post thinking why. the idea must be put away, i must move forward and yet in my busy little mind, i cannot. wanting things and realizing them makes me wonder, the sacrifice, the details of my hard work and then my body telling me to slow down. i was very sick this morning and i know it is a result of built up stress. other than the migraine, tension is building up in my neck and shoulders and that is when i know i need a time out from my brain.
if only i could do this much good for myself as i do for others. i am constantly reminded how i can run a business, organize anything you put in front of me, master the art of fixing and yet when it boils down to my own desires and self awareness, the road becomes a 4 way stop.
my next step in my life is about to be realized and i think at this point i will have to really get my shit together and find self awareness and work on letting go.