emotional roller coasters, how dangerous they are and how effective they can be on our lives. i have mentioned, from time to time, how i dream and how real my dreams are. last night was an immense force of past issues. i say that because i know in my mind, it stems from editing my book yesterday, bringing up old past mistakes and regrets.
i really do think if i could erase about 10 years of my life, i would be smarter. unfortunately, if you think about it, erasing parts of your life would only alter the future, the now, the present time would not be the same as it is.
why is it so easy to dismiss parts of your life and others haunt you? there is no lesson to be learned, you have let go of that life you once had and yet the memories are as real as if i was standing there again. knowing i can’t change it leads me to believe it is my own weakness, the regret is stronger and it is altering my way of thinking.
what i need to do is regroup, regenerate and rethink!
i’ve been home for over a day now since my mexican trip and i gotta tell you, it is great to be back to normal. i think i slept for what felt like a week yesterday. it probably has to do with the fact that i am sick, yes again, i caught a cold while i was in the 30 degree weather, imagine that.
i laid in bed last night thinking how crazy it was to be in one place one minute and then back home in another. a whole different perspective on life in just hours and you almost feel as though it was all impossible or that you were dreaming up the whole thing. but when i look in the mirror i can tell that i have been abroad for sure.
my intentions of taking time to relax and really think about what i wanted out of life somewhat didn’t happen. i went there and felt as though i couldn’t keep two thoughts in my head, much worse than being at home.
the sun and sea did rejuvenate my senses but as i only got to work on my book, 3 chapters in, editing and revising, i am somewhat disappointed. maybe my expectations were high or the fact that my sleeping quarters were not what i expected, really through me off.
in reality what i learned was this: the old saying goes you can’t run away from the things that haunt you but you must face them head on. as this thursday coming i will be heading back to work after being off for 2 weeks, i am sure i will find the answers i am looking for. sometimes routine can fix the one thing that is ailing you the most.
i guess the only thing i can do is take it one box at a time.
the impossible trying to make everyone happy is totally ridiculous. everyone has their own agenda and we cannot find a happy medium however you look at it. people are different and unique in their own way. i know the only way to really and completely live through this is to decide what is in your best interest and hope that people will understand. if they do not it is because they can’t love unconditionally enough to accept you.
you have to certain that not everyone will do this and as difficult as it may seem, sometimes you just have live the experience.
i personally have a difficult time with large groups, i try and avoid them at all cost because i know how it makes me feel. does this mean i miss out of fun or entertainment or some life changing experience?
i do what i can to make my environment comfortable and good for me. it isn’t selfish it is a choice. there are times when, like in this present moment, surrounded by family you must go with the flow. at the end of the day all that matters is that you can find your inner peace.
today starts day 4 of my epic mexican vacation and one way i can sooth my soul is by the beach. when i feel as though my mind is chaotic and restless this is where i find my center. i am hoping by the end of this week, i will find the answers i am looking for to better my life.
my search for peace of mind is a very difficult journey.
i have come to realize no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work at anything, there is always going to be some shit flying in the air.
people are conditioned to be in their own minds, in their own ways of life and for the life of me can’t seem to understand the relevance of a simple idea. lately, i have been thinking about how i had a bigger plan and it is failing. so much so, i am doubting all that is around me, even things on a personal level.
i used to have this great ambition to survive no matter what the cost, to believe that all can happen and will happen but now i see every time i turn this damn corner, i find myself living in hell.
i wanted to be realistic and here it is hitting me right in the face.
my reality has become nothing i expected, it is turning my insides into solid rock and i seem to only exist as if i were programmed this way. what i am saying is this:
there is always an epic adventure to be discovered and when i travel it is always a challenge. i find myself feeling a little disappointed this morning as travelling is supposed to be exciting. i believe when you go places, new ideas arise and we can learn so much.
my challenges are always a bit more difficult. i know bad things can happen but it seems when shit happens it comes in large numbers.
i am on a business trip trying to be a supportive member of my organization and the trouble always starts when you arrive at the hotel. luckily, i had a great team of people who came to my rescue and i am so grateful they were here. after settling in my room, i went for a nice dinner and enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine. as i thought to myself, sitting there all alone, i did realize how lucky i was to be sitting in this lovely hotel surrounded by perfect greenery and waterfalls.
yes a waterfall. i kept looking at the pool and hot tub and that was to be my next adventure. however, walking down the hall i met some colleagues and we soon ended up sitting around filling our brains with all the activities we would endure with days to come. it was great to brainstorm with others i hadn’t seen in a year, with a common goal.
a few hours later we head to bed knowing we had a big day ahead. unfortunately our night was short, awoken by the fire alarm at 1:30am. all bundled up, everyone in the building headed outside until we were cleared.
brrr. did i mention it’s freezing here.
now morning, after my second cup of coffee, i think it’s time for some nice relaxation. so guess where i am going before heading out for business.
what did i learn? at the end of day, there are people whom really have your best interests. never underestimate the power of people. we have so much to learn.
there are many things i dislike in this lifetime, some i can say out loud, others i must keep to myself.
we have a saying where i work: “you don’t have to like everyone but you must respect them”
what happens when the respect is lost and all you have is five figures? i ask myself every day if what i do is all worth it. i know we have bills and responsibilities, necessary items that are needed but how do you face each day knowing you dislike what you do. it really is a matter of priority; set out a goal, take a vow or whatever it is, a contract perhaps and you simply just do it.
although it affects your well being of denying your true nature, you go ahead and deliver. at my age especially there would be no starting over and who would want too.
for lack of better decisions how do you accept this personal challenge and how to make yourself or better remind yourself of the reasons why you do it.
rinse. repeat. deliver