.personal experiences

what we do in life can reflect our future. there’s no way out of it. if you fuck up, you will in some way or another pay for it for the rest of your life.

most people are in denial of such a phrase only because they can’t live in their reality. the question of the day is whether or not you can recognize the signs of it all and what to do about it or even if you can change the course of action.

i spent my day in my pool over thinking everything going around me, work, relationship, people and family and i can honestly say at the end of the day, i still come up with the same answers. it is one of those moments where i feel it so deep inside, that i know i am right in my present moment. unfortunately the consequences of the answer would be seriously devastating to some and i know i cannot blurt out the true nature of my feelings.

so i am right back where i started years ago, pleasing others instead of satisfying my own needs. now, reading this again here comes the angry part. what in the hell am i doing? why am i sacrificing my own wants and needs and sanity for that matter for the sake of making others happy?

i guess it’s because in my head when you make a commitment, you must follow through with it and this is where i stand even if it means pretending to be sincerely happy with all that i do.

so more or else, FAKE IT!

i have also come to realize most of my dreams will never be realized and i have to accept this wholly. living in the moment truly means being grateful for what you have, never expecting more than you can get and honestly sacrificing your very existence.

.what to do when you have no hope in hell

when people suffer, whether it’s a loss, at times it can feel as though there is no hope. i really truly believe in some way this is true. if you are in your moment then feelings of despair is inevitable. this process is one of the hardest things.

we are creators of our own sorrow, never understanding why shit happens and then we judge ourselves for our failures. i am one of those people and the fact that i can’t let go of my past mistakes and defects, i suffer this horrible self destructive attitude within.

in the recent days, i was reminded over and over again how foolish i was in my past and even this morning i am sitting here writing this post thinking why. the idea must be put away, i must move forward and yet in my busy little mind, i cannot. wanting things and realizing them makes me wonder, the sacrifice, the details of my hard work and then my body telling me to slow down. i was very sick this morning and i know it is a result of built up stress. other than the migraine, tension is building up in my neck and shoulders and that is when i know i need a time out from my brain.

if only i could do this much good for myself as i do for others. i am constantly reminded how i can run a business, organize anything you put in front of me, master the art of fixing and yet when it boils down to my own desires and self awareness, the road becomes a 4 way stop.

my next step in my life is about to be realized and i think at this point i will have to really get my shit together and find self awareness and work on letting go.

.an explanation never understood

ever get the feeling sometimes that people just don’t get what you are saying? you try over and over to explain a need or a want and still you struggle with the end result. how can people be so unclear, especially when you describe something from a to z.

maybe it is because some of us do not know how to explain things or the fact that some may have a vision so clear in their head, they see nothing else. they do not even hear you when you are speaking; all they hear is bla bla bla!

clearly, when verbal communication is at play, we must make sure the other person is getting the right words in their head. acting out, even getting them to repeat your needs and wants sometimes helps. unfortunately, in some cases, people just don’t hear what you are saying. it doesn’t matter how well you communicate, they have it in their brain to do it their way.

i guess that is why the power of words are essential in any language and situation but it makes me wonder why for so many years, the reason i stayed silence was for that exact reason? knowing i would never be understood or that people did not care what i thought or felt, made me keep to myself. i am no stranger to acknowledging how different i am but at least i respect others and their feelings and thoughts on aspects of life.

i heard a saying once: ‘ change your tactics. ‘ find another way to express yourself and then maybe people will understand.

.if they wrote a story about your life

the world is very difficult, treasured with the up most complication of all kind and yet the simple stuff seems to be ignored. until one day when we realize we have no time left only then do we stop and smell the roses.

i pride myself on trying to enjoy life, make it what it is in the short time we have here on this earth. some people, no so lucky, live short lives and never get the chance to do incredible things. i am one of the lucky ones and today especially i realized i am surrounded by great people. i am in a position to meet many characters and travel to tell the stories. this week i am in a big town on a convention and been greeted with open arms. these people are not only teaching me things but have accepted me in their group.

Image result for blue jays

we are epic people with the same goal and i am visiting amazing things at the same time. so i tell you all from the bottom of my heart, take the time to see many things, visit places, find the time and make it happen.


.safety net and positive reconstruction

second chances come few and far between and i truly believe people should be given chances. there are some however who feel that if you make mistakes over and over, it is because you clearly the state of absence.


life experiences are lessons to be learned and remembered but also a guide to never repeat. if you keep doing the same thing over and over again without success, why are you doing it? some, believe strongly, like myself, there is always a way to make shit happen. otherwise why do we get up in the morning. unfortunately over time, we realize that when we fail at this persistent avenue, never gaining insight or positive outcomes, maybe it is best to leave it alone.

everyone has a path to follow, everyone is put here to do something epic and sometimes people never really get the idea. i am starting to recognize my purpose and i am really not sure or convinced i am always doing the right thing. but i do know this:

“rules are made to be broken, dreams are meant to be realized and life is to be lived”

.dealing with difficulty

everyone dreams of being some time of super hero, i have seen and work with many who think they are and feel as though nothing can stand in their way. i also have people who are so set in their ways they choose not to see anyone else’s point of view.

those people really need a reality check. unfortunately, acceptance of others is one of my strong points but very difficult to absorb especially when it hurts others. the ones’ that bother me most are the one’s that look you right in the face and are either selling you a bullshit story or worse spreading the unknown rumors of society.

what are the benefits in this kind of behavior? none. self absorption comes from within, it comes from a place where they always had to stand out in the crowd for whatever reason.  they live in the reality of self indulgence and will stand at nothing to get what they want at whatever cost. it makes them feel good, it makes them powerless as well, without even knowing because the truth is the most effective way of living, even if it hurts. there are days when i just want to blurt out to these people:

“what do you get out of this, what are your goals in all this?”

but sometimes you can see right through this and longer feel the need to act on it. sometimes you just have to listen, accept and move on