.personal experiences

what we do in life can reflect our future. there’s no way out of it. if you fuck up, you will in some way or another pay for it for the rest of your life.

most people are in denial of such a phrase only because they can’t live in their reality. the question of the day is whether or not you can recognize the signs of it all and what to do about it or even if you can change the course of action.

i spent my day in my pool over thinking everything going around me, work, relationship, people and family and i can honestly say at the end of the day, i still come up with the same answers. it is one of those moments where i feel it so deep inside, that i know i am right in my present moment. unfortunately the consequences of the answer would be seriously devastating to some and i know i cannot blurt out the true nature of my feelings.

so i am right back where i started years ago, pleasing others instead of satisfying my own needs. now, reading this again here comes the angry part. what in the hell am i doing? why am i sacrificing my own wants and needs and sanity for that matter for the sake of making others happy?

i guess it’s because in my head when you make a commitment, you must follow through with it and this is where i stand even if it means pretending to be sincerely happy with all that i do.

so more or else, FAKE IT!

i have also come to realize most of my dreams will never be realized and i have to accept this wholly. living in the moment truly means being grateful for what you have, never expecting more than you can get and honestly sacrificing your very existence.

.scary feelings in time of need

self motivation is a wonderful thing if you can do it. it only proves how powerful you can be in moments of stressful situations.

i was living a roller coaster yesterday, different feelings of anxiety and pissed off moments, i honestly didn’t know what was going on. i guess it is one of the side effects of being in this midlife crisis and i it is a good thing i am aware when it happens, otherwise i would probably do stupid shit.

i had an epiphany yesterday thinking it isn’t my job i really dislike but some of the people i am surrounded by. how can some people really get under your skin? well, it is easy. they do or say something that is just unacceptable in your moment. you look at them as though they are a virus trying to wipe out your very existence. i am supposed to pride myself on accepting all that is and all that can be especially the unconditional moments of others. but sometimes i can’t seem to believe in my epic format.

the formula i have set myself up against seems so dramatic that i want to throw in the towel as quickly as it is out of the dryer, sorta speak.

what is good about my way of thinking is that i can quickly catch myself and say:”you are just feeling overwhelmed, tomorrow is another day”.

in order to keep sane, we must see it for what it is. a simple glitch, a conflict of interest and the moment you let it go, it will all disappear. do not be sucked in to others drama, be in your own moment of happiness and if needed, do something special for yourself when you feel this low. others will go their own way and you will walk away as if nothing happened.

.safety net and positive reconstruction

second chances come few and far between and i truly believe people should be given chances. there are some however who feel that if you make mistakes over and over, it is because you clearly the state of absence.

 

life experiences are lessons to be learned and remembered but also a guide to never repeat. if you keep doing the same thing over and over again without success, why are you doing it? some, believe strongly, like myself, there is always a way to make shit happen. otherwise why do we get up in the morning. unfortunately over time, we realize that when we fail at this persistent avenue, never gaining insight or positive outcomes, maybe it is best to leave it alone.

everyone has a path to follow, everyone is put here to do something epic and sometimes people never really get the idea. i am starting to recognize my purpose and i am really not sure or convinced i am always doing the right thing. but i do know this:

“rules are made to be broken, dreams are meant to be realized and life is to be lived”

.where am i today

my readers, there are many events going on in my life as we speak, busy as i am i must take a moment and reflect for my sanity.

i love writing, it helps me sort out the shit as i say. i had a dream, a dream of owning my own home, when that crashed in December of 2016, i had put it all behind me sorta speak but in recent months, we have discovered that it might be a possibility. however, there is a catch and that my friends is the big one.

i am frustrated to find out how difficult it is to get a mortgage, the details no one tells you about and my frustrations is all of that. the complication has lead me to feel that my dream of a home of my own is much like planning your future. it doesn’t exist as you never know the outcome. as much as we plan something, life has a way of showing us the true nature of it all.

this boils down to appreciating what we have and never taking anything for granted. in my early 50’s is not a time for buying property or even conceiving it. as negative as this all sounds, there are many factors in this i cannot share but i can tell you i think it is for the best. i am heart broken and left with a feeling of failure.

as i am true ‘bounce back from everything’, i will certain file this adventure and move on.

my better half may not but in the end, he will have to accept the way i feel.

.getting epic

it is often said hitting rock bottom helps those who have no direction, no will to see the light or worse no ambition to do better. i pride myself on emphasizing this moment because i know my life is just not quite where i want it to be.

white & ampersand sculpture: i can’t give specifics on what bothers me the most, only because the people who read this, find it their goal to point the finger but i can say that yesterday, driving around, thinking about where and when i would like my life to be, i found it easy to rearrange things. past, present and future, experiences that have shown me the errors of life, frustration sets in and there is no where to go. this path is more than a blank copy of what not to do and yet there are times that is shows me so much. even though i am a big believer in ‘it all happens for a reason’, my next book, i still wish i had the answers to why certain things are bothering my very core.

all i know if this: for today, i will create, blend myself in my creations and remember to breathe.

agenda on life & why it matters

“you can’t fix it if you don’t realize it” |

i heard a saying once, “if you know better, you can do better”

yesterday, i went through something that was all to familiar to me. without being specific, i can tell you that this thing was like stabbing me in the back over and over again. i was re-living old memories of my past and i could feel myself being angry, lifeless, annoyed and worthless.

when you are young, you do things more in the moment and believe it is the right choices. not long after, in my case, it turns out to be mistake after mistake. i have aimed high many times to do better and it seemed to always turn to shit. now i am also a believer that if things don’t happen, then it isn’t meant to be. i am not religious and never believed in fairy tales but i do believe in a great force around us that dictates our lives. everything has its place and we should accept it for what it is.

the two last things i ever want out of my life were to see my children in good homes and good jobs. the other is having a home of my own, bigger and better than i have now. not unrealistic for some people but as life would throw me to the curb, it has to come to mind, it will never happen. i again very disappointed knowing this but now starting a new day, i ask myself what now?

i hate this house i live in because it is undesirable for my needs and i should be deserving of a better home. all i can say at this point is that i wish i had been better a long time ago and i would not be in this position now.