.where am i today

my readers, there are many events going on in my life as we speak, busy as i am i must take a moment and reflect for my sanity.

i love writing, it helps me sort out the shit as i say. i had a dream, a dream of owning my own home, when that crashed in December of 2016, i had put it all behind me sorta speak but in recent months, we have discovered that it might be a possibility. however, there is a catch and that my friends is the big one.

i am frustrated to find out how difficult it is to get a mortgage, the details no one tells you about and my frustrations is all of that. the complication has lead me to feel that my dream of a home of my own is much like planning your future. it doesn’t exist as you never know the outcome. as much as we plan something, life has a way of showing us the true nature of it all.

this boils down to appreciating what we have and never taking anything for granted. in my early 50’s is not a time for buying property or even conceiving it. as negative as this all sounds, there are many factors in this i cannot share but i can tell you i think it is for the best. i am heart broken and left with a feeling of failure.

as i am true ‘bounce back from everything’, i will certain file this adventure and move on.

my better half may not but in the end, he will have to accept the way i feel.

.teaching of a positive girl

lately i have been writing a lot about regret, things that i have done in the past that i wish i could erase. i am reading a book called: “out of the darkness into the light” by Laurie-Ann Sheldrick and yesterday i decided to pick it up again and read more. now this girl is all about being positive, she thrives on it and although i do not agree with her method of self help, a bit far fetch for me, she is to say the least a very positive and ambitious person. she is a wonderful life coach and many people inspire to be like her.

in her book, she talks about mad ideas, those of which i am very familiar with. i ask her a question about it and her response was lengthy and very inspiring.

my question was:

“good morning my epic guru. i’m basking in the sun and decided to pick up your book again. i’m on page 28 ya i’ve slacked off on reading anyways what if i have completely blank out on past mad ideas what if i have really deleted all this negative shit how do i get to the reasoning of my mad ides? the thing is i know where my life stem from. my mother is and always has been a thorn. negative cant even begin to describe the shit she planted in my head. just a little insight if you have time.”

this was her response:

Hello on this beautiful day! The tiny mad ideas planted from others are the most difficult. We think, “if they said them, they must be true.” Especially when they come from our parents. We also think, if they are our parents, shouldn’t they act like kind, loving moms and dads? Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. What I now know is that their beliefs, thoughts and opinions often (mostly) come from their own parents and upbringing. And, as you know, don’t always get passed on in a positive way.

she also added this:

she finally just had to change the way she reacted and not wait in expectation for her to be different. It won’t always be easy, but you have to get to a place where you know that she will never change, but you will absolutely not accept her behaviorĀ or negative words to keep you down. Remind yourself of who you are, which is loving and kind, and became who you are in spite of her. Remind yourself that what she says is not true. When you think of her and the things she planted, don’t let it get momentum. Often, we try to ignore a thought, but instead we should let the thought in, give it less then 17 seconds and stop it in its tracks once we feel like it is taking us down. Even simply saying, “I will not let her bring me down. I will not come down to her level.” This takes practice, but in time, we react so differently to things that use to make us spiral. It’s tough, but when it comes to our parents, we also have to remember that they are human beings and may not always live up to the mom and dad expectations that we have of them.

#epicbooksalthough i am very impressed with her words, i can’t help but pick this apart, as i have completely shut myself off of the negativity i have received as a child, young adult and even as a grown woman, i believe these ideas are always embedded for some people. these ideas and thoughts will forever linger in one’s mind, positive or negative and life has chosen to be hard, more for others than some.

i am a very positive person when it comes to my children and unfortunately life has been very difficult for them. they do not see the light of day and constantly think negative thoughts. i have tried my hardest to make them see that it isn’t always about them but how society influences there environment and there are things you cannot change. i think struggle is the killer when it comes to living a normal healthy life and the reality is we much accept it and live a life we can afford not dream about. some were born with a golden spoon and others were infused with bullshit.

for today, light and love seem forbidden but remains a big fact in my life. i appreciate Laurie-Ann because she has done so much for the growth of many people, you should read her book.

.things that go wrong accept your fate

i write about life and how we live in the moment, accepting things for what they are and never really looking forward to the unrealistic. even though i believe in this, for me, there is always some factor in my life that puts me down.

people say things to make me feel like a complete loser and for what it is worth, i don’t need to be reminded day in and day out that my past life has been a disaster. but then again there are some who like reminding me or something comes up to enlighten that past life.

i get really upset and for me to let this go is nearly impossible. no matter how hard i try, it seems to haunt me. even this morning, i am thinking about where i went wrong, how different i could have made things and it is really giving me a headache.#epic mug

i need to look at what i have and just be grateful i am alive for one. i must accept there are things i will never have in my life and just make the best of it. i caused my own struggle and that my friends is what i need to realize. forget that i deserve the good life maybe i have been delusional all these years in thinking that way.

so for today: work is work, life is life and just think of it as a lesson.

.getting epic

it is often said hitting rock bottom helps those who have no direction, no will to see the light or worse no ambition to do better. i pride myself on emphasizing this moment because i know my life is just not quite where i want it to be.

white & ampersand sculpture: i can’t give specifics on what bothers me the most, only because the people who read this, find it their goal to point the finger but i can say that yesterday, driving around, thinking about where and when i would like my life to be, i found it easy to rearrange things. past, present and future, experiences that have shown me the errors of life, frustration sets in and there is no where to go. this path is more than a blank copy of what not to do and yet there are times that is shows me so much. even though i am a big believer in ‘it all happens for a reason’, my next book, i still wish i had the answers to why certain things are bothering my very core.

all i know if this: for today, i will create, blend myself in my creations and remember to breathe.

.routine life

coming back to reality |

after what seems like forever, i am back to my life’s routine and feel as though i have neglected the thing that makes me more sane.

writing.

while vacations are wonderful, i can truly tell you that being home has been a refreshment. back to work, catching up on what i missed and certain finding time to navigate myself.

Some days she has no idea how she'll do it. But every single day, it still gets done positive inspirational quotes for women and moms:

a few weeks ago, i knew i was ready to snap and needed some time away. what i learned about myself is that you can’t go far away to another country and expect all to disappear. this shit doesn’t happen. whatever stresses and realities you have must be faced head on and with a plan. time is very valuable and we must not waste it rethinking over and over about what should or could have been.

all we have is here, the now, the being in the moment.

 

.one box at a time

i’ve been home for over a day now since my mexican trip and i gotta tell you, it is great to be back to normal. i think i slept for what felt like a week yesterday. it probably has to do with the fact that i am sick, yes again, i caught a cold while i was in the 30 degree weather, imagine that.

i laid in bed last night thinking how crazy it was to be in one place one minute and then back home in another. a whole different perspective on life in just hours and you almost feel as though it was all impossible or that you were dreaming up the whole thing. but when i look in the mirror i can tell that i have been abroad for sure.

my intentions of taking time to relax and really think about what i wanted out of life somewhat didn’t happen. i went there and felt as though i couldn’t keep two thoughts in my head, much worse than being at home.

the sun and sea did rejuvenate my senses but as i only got to work on my book, 3 chapters in, editing and revising, i am somewhat disappointed. maybe my expectations were high or the fact that my sleeping quarters were not what i expected, really through me off.

in reality what i learned was this: the old saying goes you can’t run away from the things that haunt you but you must face them head on. as this thursday coming i will be heading back to work after being off for 2 weeks, i am sure i will find the answers i am looking for. sometimes routine can fix the one thing that is ailing you the most.

i guess the only thing i can do is take it one box at a time.