one of the biggest challenges in life and far greater than life itself. we all have our own difficulties but in my case is a lack of self-confidence. you wouldn’t know it by talking to me or by interacting with me because i hide it very well. people i know see a person who is a leader, who acts when needed and who certainly takes care of business. but the truth is when i am faced with challenges and i feel as though i can’t get results or understanding, i panic.
doubt sets in, worry, abnormal behavior of second-guessing all my decisions and then i stop. i think for a moment and of course, i write. i feel if i lay it all out, get the facts out of my big head, i may just see the light. these days i lack the patience with people who for some odd reason are not with the program, as i like to put it. i am trying very hard to learn something complex and for lack of confidence, i am finding it difficult to grasp certain content.
then it happens.
i start thinking about my past jobs, how easy they came to me and i wonder if i have made a mistake. the reality is i know i haven’t because i am much happier now but why is it these other jobs were simply free flowing. i never second-guessed myself when i was learning other new positions, although a very different career and the challenges were as hard as now.
as i sit here and think this through, i think it is because i want to be better, greater than i have ever been and i lack the patience to go with the flow. i have always wanted things to happen fast, i wanted results immediately and for the most part, i could always take action and poof! life was good. another word that comes to mind is control. i love being in control of almost everything in my life and especially when it comes to my ability to do something great. i want it all i guess and i just have to take a step back and learn to accept the challenges and certainly ask questions when needed.
however, ( you knew it was coming right? )
in my experience, the challenge is greater than the idea of being better and the meaning is high than a cloud. so for today, my readers, i will take a deep breath, think of this as a new day and hope i learn something interesting so that i may further this new adventure i am on.