taken from my book 13 Chaos – an amount of writing from many moons ago or so it seems
Putting aside your feelings for the sake of someone else’s is not always a good thing. You destroy the inner beauty, the very soul that lives within you and you can never take it back. I am such a victim; I can tell you my heart has never been the same. I have given up so much of my life for this one person, that I have become not only lost but have lost strength and belief in which I am.
For awhile, I was beginning to find my inner self and I know it is still there. But the burning question I have is why can’t I have it all? I want so much to find peace of mind again; I would do just about anything to sacrifice myself to get it. But what I really want is so unattainable, that’s it is slowing killing me. I mean emotionally, physically I feel totally doomed. I went to see a counselor yesterday and against all my better judgement; she was not positive about anything. The only thing I got from that whole conversation was that I was in the wrong. I was the problem, I was not a victim, I was the idiot who kept reaching and reaching for more pain. I have never been a really big fan of therapy because I feel they try and seduce your mind into believing something you’re not. Like most people.