losing trust and the inability to breathe

i believe the most epic moments in life are the lessons we learn about ourselves.

this morning as i watched the Steve Harvey videos posted below, tears not only fell from my fact but in my heart. i know for a fact that i now know my childhood has had a big impact on my life today and how it was played out. today at 50 i seek the reasons why i feel and do the things i do, why my relationships have failed, why friendships are completely out of my reach and why i feel as though i unworthy of the great life i should have had.

i can remember a time when my search for a great family life was one of the biggest struggles i have ever went through and to this day feel as though i was cheated out of that love. the other thing i noticed in that video is how Steve Harvey speaks of not being a step father but a father. i realized in that moment that i have never had that feeling of acceptance. i have always looked at my father’s wife and children as my step siblings and never really got that epic moment where they would actually be considered my real brothers and sister or other mother for that matter.

which brings me to relationships. the men in my life, the first one from years ago, i really felt as though they were my children and they made it very clear to me on several occasions that i was more of a mother to them than their own mother. it was truly epic and had the relationship with their father been better i believe we could have been a truly happy family. as that relationship broke down so did my will to ever get close to any other siblings. when i met my new love and in the present time, the struggle with that has been to say the least so hard for me as i can’t for the life of me get close to his daughter. but i often ask myself why.

this week i have been realizing how jealous i am | i am jealous of this man’s family, i am jealous of his relationship with his daughter and how they have created a bond together. his family is also epic because from the outside they all seem to me to have the great family lives and the acceptance of others is unconditional. whether it is an ex, boyfriends, whatever they accept everyone and that feeling my friends is something i lack to the highest lever of love.

lastly, this week my insecurities have played foolish games in my head but also allowed me to look deeper and ask the ultimate question:

why am i jealous and why am i so insecure about these people around me? the reality is i really don’t understand this kind of family life, i wanted it and needed it but just never was allowed to experience it because i always felt as though it was fake. so i just never allowed myself to feel close to others again. as far as the children, i truly believe it isn’t about the them but the idea of them projected into my mind. i always feel as though they are getting the better life that i can only and will only dream of. the hard part is that realizing my struggles makes me wonder whether what i believe my failures result from childhood. every time i felt i was in the most happy place possible, something always came and took that away. therefore protecting myself from hurt, i built a strong distance from people whom proclaim to truly care about me.

right now in this present moment, my dreams need to be realized. i wish i could make my relationship the best ever for both of us, i wish that i could open my arms as well as my heart to his daughter and feel as though no matter what consider her my blood and find epic acceptance from his family and friends and feel it. the jealousy i feel about the other women in his life is something i probably will never accept because they all had a piece of him i wish i had all the years past. even today he stays close to these women and just burns me up inside to the point i can’t see what is right in front of me but only because of my insecurities. i don’t believe it is fair that he continues a friendship with them as they are obstacles in our present relationship. we are trying very hard to build what we lost even though we love each other very much | we both have had failed relations many times over and we just step back enough to make sure those things never happen to us again.

however, it does limit us to the present moment. we have created more hurts and instabilities for each other and we will have to both find the strength to over look the past lessons. i will have to find peace within and trust his words and actions are justified.