life changes in a blink of an eye

if had to look back, this time last year, how much of your life has changed? are things still familiar? are they life altering, so much that you no longer feel grounded? are you spinning inside and asking yourself how did you survive all that has happened?

this is where i am today.

i do not sleep well and sometimes my dreams are so vivid that i ask myself who is that person in my dreams. is it real? i wake up feeling less rested than when i went to bed. most of the time i can remember everything that went on in my dreams and i will obviously google some key words to see what is manifesting inside this life. however, there are times when i really couldn’t care less, feeling upset because i need rest and just shake it off and go on with my day.

today is not a good day, today is the day my oldest son’s fate is decided, whether he stays in jail for 2 years or more and far they will take him. my thoughts on this are parenting; the hardest job anyone will ever have is being a mother or father. we guide them, tell them like it is and usually skip generations of rules and regulations that our parents had in hopes we don’t fuck up our kids like our parents fucked us up. yes, the ultimate question comes to mind when your children aren’t exactly where you want them to be,

“what did I do wrong?”

i don’t give a shit what anyone tells you, it’s not your fault, they chose their own paths, they made choices, it still boils down to parenting. you feel that need to fix them and yet you want to be strong enough to let them decide on their own. if you do this, you are judged and left feeling inadequate any ways.

i am tied…i wish i could just find a happy place and stay there for the rest of my life. be content with my family and know everything is in its place for a reason and be happy with that. but i am not.

there is always something missing, i have a great career, a beautiful place and yet it isn’t enough…