i had a conversation with my father yesterday which for the first two hours left me crying my eyes out and then over the next few hours left me in deep thought.
let me explain a little about my father…he is a man whom doesn’t really understand love and will forever speak his mind whatever the situation |
yesterday was also my oldest son’s birthday | whom of which is still in a rehabilitation centre for the millionth time and will soon be released. i have been visiting him for months in this place and every time i go there i take back so much angry and hurt, i always ask the same questions:
“was i good enough”
same goes for my ability to be in a relationship | which brings me back to my fathers comments. for one thing my father is very disappointed in my children as they were not given the golden spoon as he would have hoped and he immediately shuts them out because they aren’t as profitable as his other step children or step grandchildren | something i am an expert on. the other thing that really got me pouring in desperate sobing was the fact that he said that every time i am fighting with the man i love i become ‘bitchy’ | first of all i am not bitchy, i am in mourning of the fact i have been hurt over and over by this man and i have allowed this to happen far to many times.
i believe that is the word he used. just to explain that situation the man i love has rejected me more times than i can count and the hard part is my family adores him and does not see what really went on in this relationship | so i ask you how can they take his side over mine? my feelings but as i am a creature of unconditional love i will accept their beliefs and rid of this negativity towards my actions. no one can understand what truly goes on in someone else’s world if they do not understand their own | that will be another post someday.
back to the conversation
i truly believe there was more to this conversation than i care to admit but i have this wall that stops me from lashing out at my father because like most people around me i feel as though my words will be a waste of time. the people around me | most | are conditioned in their own way and cannot for the life of me understand the meaning of accepting someone for who they are.
i truly feel that when unconditional love is a part of your life you totally accept another no matter the tone, the feeling, the actions and you are there whether in good or bad. the only reason i shut people out of my bubble is that i know deep down these people are toxic for me and give me no room to see the good in my life. it is as though i fight every day with this validation and i wish for once i could just let it go.
i created my children, for this reason, | to have something of my own to shape them into strong men who will love everyone unconditionally. no matter how their path turns out i know that deep down they will always have that lesson from me. they will learn their own lessons and make more mistakes and unacceptable choices but i also know that as i have learned in the end the only thing that will matter is their own acceptance of the world and how they choose to live it.