i was born to love | and be loved

admitting defeat is one of the hardest things to do in self discovery. my son wrote me a long letter and i received it yesterday. breaks my heart every time i open of those because i know he is where he is and i can’t for the life of me figure out why his life turned out this way.

a long time ago, i was very selfish. i decided to have children not to seed this horrible world with more off springs but to have something of my own to love and know they will love me no matter what. i guess in the back of our minds we always hope that our children will learn from our mistakes and take on a whole new world on their, free of disaster and hurt.

a few months ago i discovered at 50 how i felt about my up bringing and felt resentful towards my parents for not letting me be who i wanted to be and having those voices in my head telling what was right and wrong prevented me from doing the exact thing i wanted. so i wondered and why my children turned out different as i let them decide at a  young age to make their own choices and decisions and just guided with the best possible way i knew how.

therefore, is love enough?

my theme this week has been about love | reason | because i have noticed the real reason i am unhappy.

there is no love in my life, my heart, my soul, my everything.

i feel as though it has left my very existence and i can’t find a way to let it in. the ironic thing about this is why would i want love in my life because it has done nothing but hurt me so much in the past. but i have noticed many things about myself and this one | being no different | is that when i am loved and loving another, i feel very happy and feel as though i could do anything | all my parts work

the sad part is i want maybe the impossible

i really want that unconditional love, that i can’t contain myself love, the whole package. i always have and it seems people used to shut me down for it. so the next question i have asked myself was how can i trust another human being for the sake of finding true love?