well, i learned a thing or two this week about myself and i must admit it is one of the hardest things to admit when you feel weakness.
or is it.
i consider or should i say people consider me very smart, organized, caring and most of all when i need things done, i do it. there is no limit to what i can do for others but for some reason when it comes to my own nurturing, i falsify my behavior. pretending to be epic when in reality i feel very lost about my own self-confidence. it has been my big focus lately because i am determined to make something work and yet the doubt is coming from experience. when we know something very well, we just do it without any questions or self-doubt. but sometimes when something is so hard to learn we think maybe a mistake was made.
feeling under the weather this week has not helped the situation at all but i do know when i set my mind to something, i become anxious only because i want to succeed. if i am failing at something, i try and figure out why or what it is that i can’t comprehend. what i realized yesterday that maybe it isn’t meant to be.
so, the next question is do i give up and fall back on what i know? to many questions, to many doubts can really confuse a mind and writing it out is one of my best traits. it helps me decide or look at the big picture. i gotta tell ya i do miss my old job and friends but mostly i miss the interactions and some of the nice people i have met along the way.
i wish i had the answer this morning as this week comes to an end but i do not.
i was so frustrated in my other job only because i felt as though i was a passing, a number and unappreciated for my true talents. there was no gratitude and no advancement because of the lack of professionalism. if you didn’t have the experience or the paper to prove to them you were worthy of something, you were dismissed.
i really feel terrible for some of the people because they are there and aren’t reaching their potential. it is a means to an end.
all that being said, i heard a voice yesterday, a familiar one and it has to be said the fact remains, i am still just a number with this person.
the new people i work with, although i will never meet face to face seem to be supportive and understanding and i hope that it eventually all makes sense because if not, i fear i will have to go back to an underserving reality.
i hope you all have a great weekend and keep posting your comments and thoughts.