when you travel, there is always a sense of disconnection; however, this morning i am not feeling disconnected but rather a envious. i only wish i had the luxury of having the freedom to stay on the beach.
the real world makes you see things that other wise would just accept as is but when you are in a different place, you really apprecitate the beauty. although we may have nice things, beautiful home, friends and family, i can honestly say there is nothing i would rather do than to live my life by the sea.
i am also trying to figure out what comes next as i am definitely not grounded at home with no job, no routine and certainly no foundation. the idea that all is chaos has me concerned yet again. self doubt is a terrible thing; unworthy of certain luxuries, and the wonder of being unlucky kinda makes me mad because i have wored hard all my life and why shouldn’t i have the same as others.
i guess self destruction is so easy when the negative thoughts set in and it seems that rabbit hole has gotten bigger. call it what you want, stubborn, stupidity or even self pity, i still feel it isn’t fair.
as i spend my last few hours by the ocean, the sand, and the palm trees, i will say ´i am grateful’ many times over and hope when i get home someone calls me to work. its time to recognize the value i can bring to any company and forgive the mistakes i have made.