i want to talk about dreams this morning, as i woke up with intense feeling of sadness.
for as long as i can remember, my dreams are so real they feel as though i am living another life. call it whatever but it is an awful feeling to wake up and not even know what is real and what is the dream. of course this only last for about 10 minutes, until i get my first cup of coffee or i step outside and freeze ! to wake up. i can also usually remember the dreams in vivid details so that i can make myself realize it was only a dream.
this morning was different, i woke up crying really hard and felt a deep sensation of sadness. not remembering why or what the hell i was dreaming about kind of upset me more. i had a sudden feeling of emptiness, like something was missing and then for some odd reason i started thinking about my home life. home being the important word – this may sound very insane but i realized that i have never really felt as though i’ve had a home. especially a home of my own and i am not talking only physically but that fuzzy feeling you get when you walk into a building at the end of the day. somewhere when you walk in you know life is good.
even the place i live in now, as much as my things surround me, it is still not home to me. every place i’ve lived was never really my home. i either moved in with someone else or adapted to a structural environment that i hated. i wrote about this years ago, that part where something is always missing in my life and i feel it more than ever this morning.
this is one of those boxes i must close because it is really pointless to dwell on something that isn’t there. although, the strength about self growth is the knowing what is going on inside and figuring it out. maybe when i am far away on the beach, i can really think about my inner feelings and decide my fate.