sometimes i think our lives are unsettled because we seek a deeper meaning.
when someone opens your eyes, you take that moment and realize life is full of adjectives. rarely do we stop and think there is meaning behind a moment but only to value its existence. my unconditional love has vanished and knowing this makes me question my deeper desires. much need answers to a question lately: “why am i not happy?”
for years i have talked about that empty corner, one box always unfulfilled and still today it haunts. it was a time when i was learning to be a better parent, person and lover. today, i am successful, completely myself and yet there is still that one thing i do not have. why else would i question myself.
i know for a fact that my unsettling feeling comes from knowing my children are not where they should be and until they have what they want i think there is a part of me that does not want to go further. i do not want to complete this journey of wanting better until i know they are happy with their lives. this sounds absolutely crazy as now they are adults, they much make their own way i have. on the other hand, it is only natural to want better for your children no matter what age they are in the present moment.
i remember a few years ago when i started travelling to these wonderful places and the guilt i felt, leaving them behind, i was sitting on a beautiful beach in the tropics and they were back home in this hell hole. it made me feel like shit. now, they understand why i do travel and it is okay. i do not feel guilty and i do what i must to make myself sane again.
my relationships are the hardest at this moment because i do not agree with most people i encounter or that i interact on a daily basis. i feel this great need to be just simple, go about my own business and live the life that i should. unfortunately, i still ache because many of these people mean a great deal to me and their views on things shine in most situations. what troubles me is i can simply walk away and i don’t.
so there you have it, in this moment i am troubled with all this stuff and in order for me to find answer i truly believe i must prioritize.