.life experiences

can you remember a time when you kept wishing for more?

when we were younger, we would say i can’t wait to be an adult and then we became an adult and we wished we were younger. i see different types of people and personalities on a daily basis, some of which drive me completely nuts and others i see the agony they live in. so why did we wish for all that?

even today, middle aged, i still wish for shit but i am more realistic about it. actually, honestly, i have become so numb to dreaming and wishing, that i do not see the reality in hope and dreams. true experience, the more i push, the less i seem to get what i want and need and it makes me wonder why am i trying to damn hard? people find me very bizarre some times and it is because they do not want to come to the realization that i am for real. they live in the what if’s and hopes of a better life, when in fact this is it, people.

it isn’t about luck or transformation, it is about being real, truthful, seeing all that is for what it is and if you cannot face that, you better go back in time and remember where you were and why you are here now. there comes a time when you just have to not only be in the moment but really feel the sense of today. don’t wish for something that isn’t there, do not think you can accomplish the impossible when you know for sure it isn’t attainable and live your life according to what is allowed.

and if you can’t do that, go back to bed and try again tomorrow

.life’s decision making

we often take a step back when forced to make important decisions. there are some that become very easy, like your every day job. you know exactly what has to be done and you do it. but then there other decisions that for some reason seem so complicated and you can wrap your head around it. people make it look so easy and when it boils down to it, life has a way of showing you that nothing is easy.


even if you work hard at something and believe you have exhausted all possibilities, there comes another thing around the corner.

so how do people begin to make sense and simplify?

you don’t.

you either have to accept the process or eliminate it. taking steps to improve your quality of life is one of the hardest things. i am personally at a point where i do not want to work hard for things only because i have been blessed with the negative in everything i try and accomplish. there are times when i do things because i am obligated and then there are times when i want to just throw in the towel and say ‘fuck it’.

unfortunately, some options come with a price and i am left back at square one because we all know for sure, with every action, there is a reaction. those who know me, know that i have been ranting and raving or more complaining about buying and owning my home. something i discovered a few months ago, which i will never have. now, my spouse on the other hand can buy this house for us to live in with only the obligation to split the cost of every day living as we do now.

i have to be honest, worried i am not that if something happens to us, i would have to start over, i am certainly fine with that. my problem is the getting there. the process is absolutely exhausting and i am not quite sure at the moment whether i have in me to go the distance. after all is said and done, yes i can work hard at making it just as we like it and yes i can afford the payments.

logically, the reason for this purchase is space and why pay someone else when you can pay yourself. but technically, myself, i will be just paying someone else. this is how analytical i am. it isn’t like in the old old days when you used to barter to get a piece of land, let me know tell you it is so much more complicated than most people realize.

what it boils down too is my own personal self. the why and the when is pretty clear but it’s the how that becomes very complicated. a person can tell you all the in’s and out’s but until you actually go through this process, you will never understand.

therefore now, i really have to make a decision.

.children work relationships

sometimes i think our lives are unsettled because we seek a deeper meaning.


when someone opens your eyes, you take that moment and realize life is full of adjectives. rarely do we stop and think there is meaning behind a moment but only to value its existence. my unconditional love has vanished and knowing this makes me question my deeper desires. much need answers to a question lately: “why am i not happy?”

for years i have talked about that empty corner, one box always unfulfilled and still today it haunts. it was a time when i was learning to be a better parent, person and lover. today, i am successful, completely myself and yet there is still that one thing i do not have. why else would i question myself.

looking deeper…

i know for a fact that my unsettling feeling comes from knowing my children are not where they should be and until they have what they want i think there is a part of me that does not want to go further. i do not want to complete this journey of wanting better until i know they are happy with their lives. this sounds absolutely crazy as now they are adults, they much make their own way i have. on the other hand, it is only natural to want better for your children no matter what age they are in the present moment.

i remember a few years ago when i started travelling to these wonderful places and the guilt i felt, leaving them behind, i was sitting on a beautiful beach in the tropics and they were back home in this hell hole. it made me feel like shit. now, they understand why i do travel and it is okay. i do not feel guilty and i do what i must to make myself sane again.

my relationships are the hardest at this moment because i do not agree with most people i encounter or that i interact on a daily basis. i feel this great need to be just simple, go about my own business and live the life that i should. unfortunately, i still ache because many of these people mean a great deal to me and their views on things shine in most situations. what troubles me is i can simply walk away and i don’t.

so there you have it, in this moment i am troubled with all this stuff and in order for me to find answer i truly believe i must prioritize.

.working on things

ever get the feeling that your whole life is a bubble waiting to burst? i hate it when you think you have it ‘nip’ in the butt and then ‘BAM’ more shit happens.

altering life to continuously fix your own needs is very exhausting. i can’t even begin to tell you how many times i wish i could simplify everything and forget all the chaos.  the incredible thing about this is that when you communicate with people, you realize that some people are in the same situation as you and it all becomes more epic than you thought. knowing that you can share your thoughts with someone who understands is the best medicine.

#epicquoteson the other hand, sometimes you don’t want people know certain things because of that judgement call. if pointing the finger wasn’t bad enough, the way people think about you is very detrimental. the epic thing about self love is if you realize you are doing something you shouldn’t or spend to much time worrying about it, you can live in your reality and be better for it.

i want to take a moment and thank all my readers who visit my website and apologize for the constant redecorating. i am a perfectionist and lately my ideas are on the back burner. i feel as though i have lost my inner creative side and lack the epic value of what i do here.

keep coming back! i am sure epic reality will live on but may change from time to time. gotta get my book done as well, it’s been hiding in the shadows.

.unconditional feelings

as my week soon comes to an end in mexico, i revisit what i have learned on this journey.

people, places and weather may differ from our own but in the end we are all similar creatures. i think what is important is really our own values and accepting others for who they and what they love.

last night, it hit me how important it was for my niece to accept her new fiance. i have never seen her like this and she was very heartfelt. sometimes i believe i should just shut my mouth and never really tell anyone what i feel because it seems to me that some people are very opposed to honesty or maybe it is because when negativity fills a certain situation, some people have the need to turn things around.

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nonetheless i could see her feelings are very hurt by me saying what i said. there is no winning this battle. even i am an unconditional person, my experience has shown me that when i feel something so strong it is usually true and if not then i stand corrected. she kept saying how important it was that i really accept her relationship and that she was a lot like me. she feels the need to be fixing this. as she gets older she will understand that sometimes, things are not fixable. acceptance is very hard when there different points of view. but i truly believe to be honest at any cost is better than a bullshit lie to make people happy.

i expect no less from others about me.

i am also feeling a bit home sick and will certain be glad to get there. although this place is wonderful, our home is where our heart is. getting back to a normal routine and setting forth new adventures. i am also very anxious to see my sons, one who is back home and the other far away. i am sure that my bf is anxiously awaiting my arrival. he seems a little lost when i am not there, which is wonderful to hear as it shows his love for me.

so for today and tomorrow, my last 2 days here in palm tree paradise, i will enjoy the sun, the ocean and the company of great people.


.my biggest problem

when someone quits something, it is usually for good reasons. some may say it is giving up or lack of caring, maybe the idea of responsibility scares them. i believe that in life, we do things that we do not like and it physically and mentally destroys the better part of our self.

i am at that point. in this day and age, people just don’t care enough anymore and no matter what you do or say, there will always be someone who disagrees. it is only because they do not accept the reality of the situation or have no knowledge the of the true value of something.

i pride myself of accepting others and their ability to be who they are in the real world but when it turn around and see the opposite, i get really frustrated. my biggest problem is learning to control that emotion and it is one of the things i work very hard at every day.

i have now taken another step into my light of day and feel relieved. i am who i am and i do what i do because i am tired of being someone else all the time. i want to feel happy every day when i wake up, i want to feel proud of my work and mostly i want to know that at the end of the day i have made a difference.

realistically, those things are hard to come by but i am sure with time, i will accomplish my task at hand.