epicreality

.the month of love

well here it is, the month i love most and it’s all about love

this world needs more of that and with my next trip almost here, i want to tell the world that even though i am extremely busy this month with business and work, i am always here to lend an ear.

so what is the month of love?

be unconditional as possible. we all can agree that everyone has their own agenda and way of living their lives. i am very organized, creative and most of all, a tell it like it is kinda girl. number on my agenda is taking better care of myself and learning to love myself.

very very difficult task.

i can teach it, tell you how, even probably make you believe my epic unconditional love but when it comes down to me, the famous editor of this blog, i am at the bottom of that list. it all about everyone else, doing all that needs to be done and never thinking often enough that i need the time out.

mexico is coming.

Image result for heart

month of love, oh yes that is where i was…

epic needed a new layout to start her love adventure, so therefore this is why things are a little out of place. as the days go by you will see a definite “LOVE” experience and maybe some added fun and freebies.

so let’s make a great february! join me in being in the moment, download my app so you can take me on the go and let’s make unconditional love our main purpose this month.

what are we trying to say

there is much talk about how relationships should work and how some never work. the concept of having a great relationship comes from being able to love unconditionally. i have stressed this for many years and i only wish people would see this in a positive way.

everyone has their own views on love and i fully accept that. you see the different sides of what love should be and i am one who tell you that over time, the definition will change. maybe it is just because i have grown to understand it more or maybe it is because i live in reality that the door of love is vast and we must respect it.

 

what makes me laugh are the different kinds of ‘so called love’ because people i really delusional when it comes to expressing their affection for another. personally i am the whole package; i like physical love as well as mental love. i like it when someone does things for me but i am very affectionate so hugs and kisses are great.  sometimes people experience neither and it makes me wonder how they survive without this. if you are in a relationship for the sake of just existing with one another, i think it’s time to evaluate your life.

i don’t care who you are or what you do for a living, we all need human contact!

it makes me think, if you are with someone for the sake of being in a relationship just because it looks good, you need to think again. wasting valuable time on love is another pet peeve. not only are you taking away the precious gift of love from another but you are also sacrificing true happiness. on the other hand if you are in a relationship that fulfills you, please the time to appreciate that person and remember, a gesture can go a long way.

epicreality

.the inability to breathe

i believe the most epic moments in life are the lessons we learn about ourselves.

this morning as i watched the Steve Harvey videos posted below, tears not only fell from my fact but in my heart. i know for a fact that i now know my childhood has had a big impact on my life today and how it was played out. today at 50 i seek the reasons why i feel and do the things i do, why my relationships have failed, why friendships are completely out of my reach and why i feel as though i unworthy of the great life i should have had.

i can remember a time when my search for a great family life was one of the biggest struggles i have ever went through and to this day feel as though i was cheated out of that love. the other thing i noticed in that video is how Steve Harvey speaks of not being a step father but a father. i realized in that moment that i have never had that feeling of acceptance. i have always looked at my father’s wife and children as my step siblings and never really got that epic moment where they would actually be considered my real brothers and sister or other mother for that matter.

which brings me to relationships. the men in my life, the first one from years ago, i really felt as though they were my children and they made it very clear to me on several occasions that i was more of a mother to them than their own mother. it was truly epic and had the relationship with their father been better i believe we could have been a truly happy family. as that relationship broke down so did my will to ever get close to any other siblings. when i met my new love and in the present time, the struggle with that has been to say the least so hard for me as i can’t for the life of me get close to his daughter. but i often ask myself why.

this week i have been realizing how jealous i am | i am jealous of this man’s family, i am jealous of his relationship with his daughter and how they have created a bond together. his family is also epic because from the outside they all seem to me to have the great family lives and the acceptance of others is unconditional. whether it is an ex, boyfriends, whatever they accept everyone and that feeling my friends is something i lack to the highest lever of love.

lastly, this week my insecurities have played foolish games in my head but also allowed me to look deeper and ask the ultimate question:

why am i jealous and why am i so insecure about these people around me? the reality is i really don’t understand this kind of family life, i wanted it and needed it but just never was allowed to experience it because i always felt as though it was fake. so i just never allowed myself to feel close to others again. as far as the children, i truly believe it isn’t about the them but the idea of them projected into my mind. i always feel as though they are getting the better life that i can only and will only dream of. the hard part is that realizing my struggles makes me wonder whether what i believe my failures result from childhood. every time i felt i was in the most happy place possible, something always came and took that away. therefore protecting myself from hurt, i built a strong distance from people whom proclaim to truly care about me.

right now in this present moment, my dreams need to be realized. i wish i could make my relationship the best ever for both of us, i wish that i could open my arms as well as my heart to his daughter and feel as though no matter what consider her my blood and find epic acceptance from his family and friends and feel it. the jealousy i feel about the other women in his life is something i probably will never accept because they all had a piece of him i wish i had all the years past. even today he stays close to these women and just burns me up inside to the point i can’t see what is right in front of me but only because of my insecurities. i don’t believe it is fair that he continues a friendship with them as they are obstacles in our present relationship. we are trying very hard to build what we lost even though we love each other very much | we both have had failed relations many times over and we just step back enough to make sure those things never happen to us again.

however, it does limit us to the present moment. we have created more hurts and instabilities for each other and we will have to both find the strength to over look the past lessons. i will have to find peace within and trust his words and actions are justified.

.practice what you preach

there are many people who are ready to give advice, tell you the things  you already know and some things you really don’t want to hear. but when it comes to listening, you have to ask yourself, do they really?

some even preach the whole idea of loving you with their whole heart, wanting a life time commitment and in the end they hide behind their own shadow of fear. there are also people i know who practice the idea of love, acceptance of each other in any given situation but when something really ticks them off, you see their true existence.  it really bites my ass when you think you can count on the support you need and find out those who truly seemed genuine are just and have always been out for their own grace of life. if it doesn’t go their way, their thoughts and ability to translate understanding diminish.

i have never bull shit anyone into thinking one thing when i meant another. i have always been upfront, sometimes to blunt but to say the least very honest with my feelings. if i have learned anything over the years is to be honest. whether good or bad, one should accept what the other is saying and take from it what they feel necessary to grow in their own love. what really bothers me is the fact that after you realize certain people aren’t who they projected all these years, you continuously question your ability to read the people you truly love.

what is because we hope for something great to come out these ungrateful situations or were we just blinded by so many other factors we failed to see the truth about these people? how can we even begin to trust or love again for that matter after we know and feel betrayed in all aspects of life?

people, if you are going to preach a certain idea in the world at least be honest. do not drag someone down for years only to reveal the true nature of your actions and future endeavors.

 

how to factor someone in your life

i have had two great loves in my life, both have failed and left me very disappointed and burned by the fact they cannot factor me in their lives. not to mention they have issues with commitment, therefore i have asked myself time and time again, why i keep going back to this kind of unhealthy relationships?

the last three days i have been a series of questions and silence. my current love has left me hide and dry again for the | i can’t count how many times | because this is what he does to me. he can’t face talking about issues we have therefore he ignores me. honestly, the last few times i did make the initial steps to set things straight but this time i know i must let it go.

he is just using whatever life i have left and sucking it out of me. i can’t take it any longer and it just devastates me to the point of questioning my inner values. why waste time on someone who doesn’t have any consideration for my feelings and doesn’t see it necessary to communicate when in a relationship?

which lead me to the honest truth…there is none | he obviously never wanted the relationship and it was only convenient for him when he was available. the sad part is that this had happened over and over in the past and i knew this but i was trying to make it work, nonetheless. the compromises were becoming more and more and i could feel the rejection setting in.

this is not the life i want. i want someone who will be there, take the time to communicate with me when plans are in place and not just assume this is acceptable for both.

now the hurt out weighs everything and i must go through the motions in order to be stronger in the end. i hate this feeling of emptiness because it shows me how naive i was in thinking this man would ever, ever really commit to me.

i just hope i can come back from this without remorse, regret and smarter.

.when things are just not right

what i have noticed this week are my struggles with life and people. the ultimate question this week is whether it is important or not but i find myself struggling with the fact that no matter how hard i try to make things smooth, i am still not satisfied with anything.

yesterday, i got a horrible phone call from my son and my thoughts were i wanted to go and rescue him from this massive disaster he was facing. my struggle was that my hands were tied and there was absolutely nothing i could do. i can’t really explain the situation however, i can tell you as a mother it is one of the most difficult things when you know things are out of your control even when you know your child is in danger.

the other thing this weak is life in general | i mean work is hard enough without having anal people on your back all the time. i can feel the tension amongst my colleagues and it is just sad that nothing can be done. we shouldn’t have to work like this | we should be able to get to work and enjoy our day. hence, another thing out of my control.

my last thing is love | something i can’t do anything about because the struggle is stronger than i wish to admit. loving someone means you have to love everything about them and are willing to live with it. i am not only because it upsets me so much that i continue this crazy circle of frustration because i love this person so much. the thing about is it is unhealthy.

therefore, all in all, after getting a great massage yesterday for the first time in my life, i am still tense because there are things that need fixing and i can’t fix them. it isn’t that i want a perfect little world but i want what i deserve.

why is it so hard to attain?