after much deliberation, i landed on a design for now that i consider effective. whether people like it or not is really irrelevant as it is pleasing to the eye and readable.
in the last 2 days, life and chaos have been my constant companion and i can honestly say i am not sure where the hell this epic life is taking me. the feelings of anxiety, abnormal thoughts and negative feelings run through my veins as though it was normal. i really feel as though everyone is against me and nothing i do is ever enough. my efforts at making things better, get thrown out the window as fast as the ideas pop in my head.
basically, i am at the point of giving up on pretty much everything except the normal lifestyle.
i am also remembering a time when simplifying my life was a main focus and for some reason i have swayed from this idea. my body is telling me to relax, giving me signs of pain and i wonder if this is serious enough to really take a step back and reinvent my decisions. we often forget that our bodies act as a reminder, we are doing to much. my other piss off moment today is that when i communicate something it is as though i am not heard. i think i am pretty clear on my feelings and thought but some people just don’t get it. they black and white or their own basic ambition and there is no changing this perspective.
so what at this point am i left with?
as we all know life does go on and we cannot change others but we have to complete our inner devotion and really concentrate on the well-being. the fight isn’t over and i am anxious to see the outcome of all this.
being away from home make you think about life in general. although you are busy with business matters, you always can find time to take a moment and personalize yourself. i for one find it great therapy and also a time to redefine your purpose. every time i question my ability to be epic, something always brings me back from that negative bullshit.
when i feel pressured or low i ask myself why is this happening? who made me feel so low that i truly believe it? then for a moment, my processor goes back to the actual time when someone said or did something and tear apart the situation. was it really aimed at me or was there bigger issues? maybe i was offended because it triggered something i would rather not face or simply that some people just find joy in bringing others down.
what we have to remember is that even though others may have more life experiences or have their own agenda, we cannot compare ourselves to them. we live in our own environment where things are always different from another. seeking out some similar things can also inject false reasoning.
what i liked about our teachers this week is they did just that. they did not focus on the negative, what we didn’t do, what we should have done but they brought out the reasoning behind our experiences.
again. as i mentioned in last nights post, grateful and appreciative of the one’s i meet and greet in my travels but when it comes down to it, i only have to please one person.
ever get the feeling people just don’t know how to shut shit off or worse filter their minds? as i gather myself, i am reminded of a time when everything seemed less complicated and wonder if i did this to myself.
i talk often about how to simplifying my life and yet every time i turn around, something else is happening to affect this motivation. take for instance this week, i am being challenged on so many levels, surrounded by people who some i do not know and are equal in my professional sector, although make you feel less worthy of their cause but on the other hand there are those who encourage and motivate in order to feel the confidence need to get through this ordeal.
my interpretations of something are never what others think or feel and this my friends becomes very challenging. i feel frustrated and undervalued, therefore my self esteem at times goes out the friggin door. i do a very good job of hiding it and i am well on my way to discover how i have to be with these people.
direct! i think what i need to do is stand up to them and tell it like it is.
i am who i am, i learn in my own way and in order for me to function properly i have to be who i desire. they will just have to accept me and my feelings and move on. i will lower my way of thinking just because they feel things should be done a certain way. i will definitely make it clear that i have to do this for me and no one else.
they will just have to understand.
a while back, i decided that sunday was the art of doing nothing. some however find it an opportunity to catch up on things they did not get done during the week because of work. i believe it is like dishes, all that stuff will still be there tomorrow.
years back, sunday was considered a day of rest. i do not know what happened to society but for some reason we have loss the value of sunday and find ourselves being busier than during the week. i am, some day, addicted to my phone and computer and on sunday, i leave it inside the house when i am outside.
as i layed in my pool yesterday, basking in the sun, enjoy the wonderful calmness, i could hear my phone go off every 5 minutes. why do people not understand? me time, is me time. shut it off ffs!
it is so important to take time to relax, fixate on something other than the regular life we live and do nothing. our bodies are meant to go go go all the time and we must take at least one day to do this. there is plenty of time to finish the responsibilities, housework, whatever any other day but sunday.
when you set out goals, is it merely to inspire others? i used to believe that i could inspire anyone to see my way of things. this is very selfish and that is why over the years i have learned to accept everyone for who they are and what they believe in.
there are times however when it is in their best interest to see the light of day. it is very hard to convince someone about an action they have taken or a thought when they are mind set. i can tell you however, if you open a door in another direction, they might just see this light of yours.
i pride myself on keep the peace because this world is so full of chaos and wanting to keep it simple is only a way of living your life in the moment. we worry to much about the small stuff and not enough about the good stuff. we consume ourselves with hate and violence, foul words of destruction and even worse succumb to additions. this is not reality!
to keep ourselves sane, we either have to face the fact that time is of value and we much embrace it with every moment or we will lose site of the good things. the goal is to fulfill your life with what is fair and feasible.
in the end, sometimes we do things we do not like but i can say that there is always a way to satisfy your own well being. never underestimate the power of humanity and it will give back to you when you least expect it.
my readers, there are many events going on in my life as we speak, busy as i am i must take a moment and reflect for my sanity.
i love writing, it helps me sort out the shit as i say. i had a dream, a dream of owning my own home, when that crashed in December of 2016, i had put it all behind me sorta speak but in recent months, we have discovered that it might be a possibility. however, there is a catch and that my friends is the big one.
i am frustrated to find out how difficult it is to get a mortgage, the details no one tells you about and my frustrations is all of that. the complication has lead me to feel that my dream of a home of my own is much like planning your future. it doesn’t exist as you never know the outcome. as much as we plan something, life has a way of showing us the true nature of it all.
this boils down to appreciating what we have and never taking anything for granted. in my early 50’s is not a time for buying property or even conceiving it. as negative as this all sounds, there are many factors in this i cannot share but i can tell you i think it is for the best. i am heart broken and left with a feeling of failure.
as i am true ‘bounce back from everything’, i will certain file this adventure and move on.
my better half may not but in the end, he will have to accept the way i feel.