being alone and loneliness

some people can not deal with being alone, others are just lonely.  when loneliness sets in, some people find alternative ways to deal with this and often they aren’t positive things. others will reach out on a good level and find themselves enjoying quality time in the company of others.

i have always been a loner; i figured if i am alone i don’t have to worry about anything except what i need in that time and moment. even worse now because i work around many people day in and day out, therefore when i get home all i want to do is shut it all off. but then are times when i really don’t want to be alone and i am. the self pity pot comes in and i get really angry with certain people because they are ignoring me. it is as though when i need someone there, no one is ever around but when others need me they expect me to be there for them.

so i went to bed early and thought i would sleep off the feeling of uneasiness. i didn’t. i woke up still upset at the fact that those i wanted to be with weren’t available to me and the one’s that wanted to be with me, i couldn’t bring myself to being there for them.

is it a matter of control or self destructive behaviour? probably both.