agenda on life & why it matters

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“you can’t fix it if you don’t realize it” |

i heard a saying once, “if you know better, you can do better”

yesterday, i went through something that was all to familiar to me. without being specific, i can tell you that this thing was like stabbing me in the back over and over again. i was re-living old memories of my past and i could feel myself being angry, lifeless, annoyed and worthless.

when you are young, you do things more in the moment and believe it is the right choices. not long after, in my case, it turns out to be mistake after mistake. i have aimed high many times to do better and it seemed to always turn to shit. now i am also a believer that if things don’t happen, then it isn’t meant to be. i am not religious and never believed in fairy tales but i do believe in a great force around us that dictates our lives. everything has its place and we should accept it for what it is.

the two last things i ever want out of my life were to see my children in good homes and good jobs. the other is having a home of my own, bigger and better than i have now. not unrealistic for some people but as life would throw me to the curb, it has to come to mind, it will never happen. i again very disappointed knowing this but now starting a new day, i ask myself what now?

i hate this house i live in because it is undesirable for my needs and i should be deserving of a better home. all i can say at this point is that i wish i had been better a long time ago and i would not be in this position now.


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