this morning, I come to you with a very strong message. there are certain things in life that people don’t believe but one thing I have is my dreams. I do not sleep well and most of the time, when it is an intense dream, I turn to Google for dream descriptions.
I have to say how it scares me a little how real this seems but it does give me clarity. I have been very disappointed in myself lately because of some of the decisions and choices I made in 2018 and it has haunted me. unfortunately, I can’t change what happened and now I feel a little left behind.
the dream last night was about abandonment; something I do not talk about often only because I do not want people to know. but it came to mind because so many where discussing #mentalhealth yesterday, I feel it is a part of my life, I must say out loud.
the reasoning behind never getting close to anyone is about abandonment. I have or feel as though I have been left behind so many times, that my life, my feelings, my spirit has been judged over and over again, it leaves me feeling quite unsettled. it is like being gay and coming out, I have to say, I feel very abandoned by many things and people and hurts all the time. the struggle of keeping up with the jones, the perception of ones’ own family and friends have me over a barrel.
my computer is my only safe haven where I can express my real thoughts and never worry about judgment because no one has any control over me here.
in this present day, I struggle with being unsuccessful in my lifetime and I want it so badly. I want to be important, I want people to look up to me and especially want the validation. let’s hope my next project finds me on a new path.