a very difficult place to be

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when you are completely fucked up about life, where to go, what to do, how to even breathe, it seems apparent that maybe you need a lifestyle change. the beginning is where you continue to sink your mind into and for the moment there seems to be no answers.

I have often written about changing, becoming something I am not or for the sake of saving face, as they say, being someone else. this affects not only our ability to live but the perception is negative.

I have a lot of time on my hands these days and feel as though being locked up behind these walls has caused me to be less productive and afraid to go venture the world. it is a choice; I don’t want to expose myself to the world that has failed me and the memories that haunt me day after day. I avoid going out only because it is a constant reminder of the failures. this is to say the least very unhealthy for me but I am not comfortable with anything these days and I find everything a waste of time.

my head is in a bubble and I can’t escape from it.

however, I have no choice today I have to step out for a bit and as long as I can keep the focus on my venture, I will survive (ha ha)

sanity is a very difficult place to be and in order to keep mine, I am focused on the task at hand. what I do need is a place that makes me happy, a place that can uplift my spirits and make me feel important and whole again. I definitely won’t get that here.


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