do you have a secret that is eating you up inside and if revealed may break a relationship?
i landed on my favorite epic inspiration Oprah life class lessons, watching the lesson below it made me very aware of something i have been keeping a secret. in any relationship we must at all cost be honest not only with ourselves but with our partner and the reality is we don’t always tell each other everything i believe for fear it might hurt the other person. but when something literately makes you sick and you can no longer keep this secret or feeling how do you handle it?
my personal and fearful reality is that sometimes it is best to leave it and let go. however when something is physically affecting your lifestyle i believe it is best to just say it out loud. how do we approach a negative feeling in order for the other person to understand it is without unintentional hurt but more to grow in the relationship. personal growth sometimes means you have to tell the people you love unconditionally the truth about something in order to set yourself free. free of guilt, free of insecurities, free of insanity.
i believe the reason we wait so long to tell someone something is because we feel as though that other person will not understand and they will reject us or worse stop loving us | one of my biggest fears is never to be loved.
so we go about our daily lives thinking it will disappear but really it is just put on the back burner until one day your feelings or that one thing you want to say out loud will be revealed because in a moment of weakness. what happens then is the bomb! you blow up, blurt out everything and fail to really accomplish what you set out to do. freeing yourself and balance the negative and turn it into a positive.
i have done this so many times and never really got anything out of it. i felt as though i had just blasted all my feelings and in order to feel better only i found myself feeling worse for saying exactly how i felt about something. but let’s be honest, if we don’t learn to speak our truths, then how are we supposed to grow?
recently, my life has taken a big turn. i have proclaimed my love and intentions to a man i have loved for over 4 years unconditionally. i have said that for months now i want to be in his life, his future and i will not let anything stand in our way. the thing that we have allowed ourselves to fail in is communication because i believe both of us fear the negative that brings doubt and for this many nights of crying and regret have entered our realm of love. this relationship has suffered so much that my personal insecurities are over powering what is in the present time and present in the moment. i see the reality before me but the fear i have is failure. i have been so conditioned all my life, when i work at something, no matter what it is, it has always failed. bad things happen every time i get happy and it hurts inside knowing i can’t fight this losing battle. the other thing is i fear i am not enough for my man, that he is always looking else where, talking to other women as though it was acceptable but my reality is i hate it. he talks to them in the same way he talks to me and that makes me wonder what else is going on. i realise this is a trust issue and i have proclaimed that out loud many, many times.
in the beginning, i didn’t feel like that or i was totally blinded by the love therefore never suspected it. but more and more each day, i am fearful of this and trying to fix this has been my top priority. it is consuming me, my thoughts, my very core and it has to stop. i am so afraid of failing at this relationship that my whole world will crumble and will never be able to pick it back up. what i want most is to be able to tell him how i feel, share this and have him stand in front of me and say: ” its ok, i understand, i love you and appreciate you telling me your feelings and we can get through this.” but no instead i take a midol | because it helps me keep calm and subsides my thoughts and just stop myself from saying anything fearful out loud.
so here i am revealing this big secret and i am not sure which way to approach it. i have everything to lose in this situation because i feel if the truth comes out | being i am writing it i guess to late |
if this truth comes out | i will lose him and the future i have so dreamed of for years. communication is key but sometimes it really does suck when you have something to say and can’t because you fear the worse. i truly want to fix my insecurities, my jealousy but the only way i know how to fix it is to have the man i love assure me and prove to me that he wants commitment as much as i do and believing it.
unfortunately, right now i am waiting for the other shoe to drop because this has been what my life has shown me. i am strong enough to make things happen, i am strong enough to get exactly what i want but as you all know, two people have to be on the same page of this chapter. the good news is i am aware of my feelings, i am aware of what my weakness is and that in itself is having the ability to make things EPIC.