a comment was made that everyone should have someone to go too when in need of venting or understanding. i explained to this person, i have never really gotten close to anyone for the simple reason, TRUST!
there comes a time when no matter who or where, people eventually burn you and that is why i do not have very close friends. oh, i have co-workers and people i interact with on a daily basis but to actually say i can go to someone and feel comfortable, i do not. you always get that feeling that they either just don’t give a shit or they are judging everything you are saying. i do any ways, i can feel it.
but i will say this, after thinking long and hard, there has been one person whom i have shared my inner feelings and thoughts and she never judges me. she lets me be who i am and never comments about anything i say or do. we seem to connect and i can honestly say i appreciate her friendship on many levels. i guess i should tell her so that maybe she doesn’t feel her efforts are wasted.
knowing how to truly open yourself up to that one person is one of the hardest things to do. it is like relationships, you feel a bond between you but there is still that slightest chance they will fuck up and break your heart. then the trust is gone and all is lost. i suppose even if i communicate my feelings, i worry that someday maybe that person will take advantage of a vulnerable situation and i will feel ashamed for even given that person the benefit of the doubt. discovering why my relationships have failed brought me to this day and the fear sets in to ever trust again.
why should i open my heart to this kind of selfishness? it seems, that other people see an opportunity and take it. i’ll pass, thank you very much.
but to my friend who has been listening, comforting, understanding – name is not required