sometimes in life, you have to take a break, some rest from the much crazy and noise of the world and while all others were celebrating the Easter Sunday, filled with to much food and drink, i was decorating. our new house is still in need of much attention and i was finishing up the kitchen “deco” yesterday.
i find this very relaxing and when all is said and done, i feel accomplished to see the finished product. if only we could feel this good about ourselves all the time. so many of us suffer from the delusion that life is so hard we can not bounce back from the horror. some can’t only because they choose not too. however, there are times when life shows us that when shit gets really hard, maybe it isn’t meant to be.
after all the decorating, i took a breath. i sat on my porch in the chill of the day looking at my surroundings. my thoughts were scattered, thinking that just a short time ago, i was sitting on my place of wonder, the beach. in that moment, all i saw was the left over of dirty snow, unhealthy grass and filthy streets full of debris. i know spring brings all this because the beautiful colors will soon come out when the warmth hits but i still felt a little lost. it was as if i was sitting there for the first time and realized that only 8 months ago i was living in a tiny house somewhere else.
why do i feel this way?
it is a feeling of belonging. i moved around so much in my lifetime that i have never really made any roots. now, this house is supposed to be the final destination and something i am unfamiliar with. i was thinking of all the work that has to be done and really how much time i really had left in this world. another thought was how i got here and why had i not accomplished all the things i wanted. sometimes we set so many goals for ourselves and can never really attain them.
so then what to do?
i guess maybe we just have to accept that this is it. there is no going back in time and fixing things we did not like but only the mere memories of what was and what is yet to come. i know i feel negative these days and that is something to deal with but i also know why, which is a good thing. all i can do for now is remember my next project and hope that i can come out of this dreadful feeling soon.